The other day while watching TV I heard this expression.

A good life is the best revenge.

It got me thinking, what is a good life? What makes life good or bad? Is there such a thing as a bad life?

Is a good life a meaningful life? Is a good life one that offers value to others and society?

I believe every life has inherent meaning and value. The fact that someone is alive has all the meaning and value—even if we fail to see it sometimes.

A good life is something that extends beyond the basics. It’s what distinguishes you from me and others. It’s personal and unique.

So is it defined by personal success and achievement?

What is success in this case? Is it having a high powered career? Fame? Money? A healthy well toned body? A large following of fans? Winning a prize of some sort?

I don’t think so. All these things can be a double edged sword—causing as much suffering as pleasure.

After contemplating for a while (and like most things in life, my views are subjective), I came to this conclusion.

A good life is a life that is made up of a lot of good moments. And the good moments are the result of certain choices we make and actions we take.

The good life code

The following three guidelines will ensure you have lots of good moments.

Living authentically and truthfully

You live honestly and in harmony with your truth. What you say or do reflects who you are.

You live from the heart and soul. You follow your joy, igniting your passion for life. You live on purpose—your purpose and your life, not someone else’s view of what your life should be.

It’s about doing what you love for the sake of doing it. The work and experience are the reward. Material or emotional compensation is the icing on the cake. This is something you love to do no matter what.

When you’re authentic, you open up to life. You restore your sense of wonder. You awaken the fun and adventurous kid within.

We all have genetic markers that define our physical traits. I believe we have a cosmic marker that identifies our nonphysical traits.

A good life is one where you live by your cosmic marker—your one of a kind being.

Meaningful connections and relationships

We all want to love and be loved. We want to have a genuine connection with the people around us.

A good life means you have solid relationships based on love, trust and mutual respect. It’s the kind of relationship that allows you to be who you are.

That doesn’t mean there is no dysfunction.

A true connection is one that transcends dysfunction. It is one that: allows for mistakes, confronts, forgives and embraces. It is strong enough to withstand the turbulence of our dark side.

Your close relationships are the ones you have without motives or pretense. They are with the people who will truly miss you when you’re gone. They will feel the void you leave behind—and they are never the same because of you. Your memory lives through them.

Such relationships are precious because they’re rare. We’re lucky if we have a handful of them. A meaningful connection enriches your life beyond measure.

A life of ease

I define ease as the opposite of struggle. It is when you’re just rolling with life, minding your business.

To be at ease doesn’t mean that you won’t experience pain—it’s humanly impossible. It means that you allow yourself to feel the pain, and for the pain to serve its purpose. You lick your wounds and give yourself time to heal.

You don’t resist and suffer needlessly. You actively surrender to life. You grow from your pain as much as you do from success. You don’t need to feel bad for yourself, resent others or feel jealous.

You don’t waste your energy worrying about what’s outside of your control, what others are thinking, saying, doing or not doing.  You allow others to stay on their path and you stay on yours. You trust life as it is.

When you need to take a stand, you do it because it’s the right thing to do, not because it’s the popular thing to do. You do it without fanfare or judgment. You’re in your zone!

Nothing is more contagious than a person at ease. You can sense it a mile away and it rubs off on you pretty quickly.

To sum up

A life of ease, doing what you want when you want and having a blast with the people you love the most. And when things go wrong, you embrace your humanity, do what you can, lean on the people you love and let the rest go.

This is the good life—a life with a strong mental hammock, tied to deep rooted relationship trees and enriched by a clear emotional blue sky.

A good life is not the best revenge but the greatest inspiration.

“To live one’s own life is still the best way of life, always was, and always will be.” ~ Henry Miller

Life as we know it is the summation of beginnings and endings. It is the transformation of energy and matter—the dance of evolution.

If we look at our own existence, we realize that it is built and continues to grow on a foundation of relationships. The physical body is the visible manifestation of energy and matter uniting to produce the unique being that is you.

Our experiences and memories are a reflection of our relationship with nature, objects, other people and ourselves.

As we all know too well, a relationship that beings will end one day—sooner or later. This is part of the magic and mystery of life.

In most cases the ending is painful and unwelcomed. The holiday season is a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the relationships that have ended and the possibilities of what is yet to come.

While the writing below is mostly focused on our relationship with others, it can apply to our relationship with ourselves and with our environment.

Acceptance

I can’t remember a time when I was completely prepared for a relationship to end. The end comes in different shapes and forms but one result—it is over.

It is usually hard to fully grasp what happened. Life as we know it has changed and we need to allow ourselves time to adapt to the new reality.

The only thing that we can do is to allow the grieving process to take its course and for us to accept that life is never going to be the same.

Closure

When you accept, you put yourself in the driver seat and steer your life towards closure.

You choose to close this chapter. What was is over—regardless of why and how.  You are no longer bound to the regrets of the past or the “what ifs” of the future.

And the best part about closure is that it’s always up to you. No one can take it away from you. When you decide to let go and move on, no one can stop you—other than you.

Closure is a gift. You let go of what was, and you open up to what could be. It is the door to new beginnings.

New beginnings

As hard as it may seem to let go and move on, take solace in knowing that it is an opportunity for something new to emerge.

Saying goodbye to what was creates a space for what could be. With every birth there is a death and after every death there is an opportunity for new life.

When we let go, we feel the space that this relationship has left behind. It is in that space that other beginnings are born. They may not necessarily be the same type of relationship. But they will be something that augments our journey and moves us forward. The universe always trades up.

This year I lost a childhood friend who died in a car accident. I also lost a connection to a family member who decided to drop all communication. There were no planned goodbyes and that’s okay. Time allowed me to find closure and accept where I am.

This pain is a reminder of our humanity and the inevitable ending that’s intertwined with a new beginning. This is the rhythm of the dance of life.

Beginnings and endings are nothing but an expressive transformation of energy that is within us and all around us.

Today I invite you to find closure and let go of what’s holding you in the past. Honor the memory of what was. Give yourself the gift of closure and open up to new possibilities.

As Dr. Seuss put it:

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

In the previous article we talked about the importance of gratitude and started with the first 15 days of our adventure.

Today the journey continues with another 15 ideas of things we can be grateful for. Choose the ones that resonate with you and replace others with your own. The most important thing is to focus on something to be grateful for every day. Here’s the next 15 days.

16. Work/career

Choose to focus today on the work you do and what values you derive from it. If you think you don’t like your job, think of things that you like—the pay, supporting your family, your coworkers, or getting a chance to leave the house and see other people.

Reflect on all the jobs you’ve had and career choices you’ve made so far. What did you learn from each experience? How did you change and grow?

17. People in your life

We are social animals and our lives are intertwined with others in so many ways.

Who are the important people in your life right now? Why are they important? How do you feel about them? What positive impact do they have on you?

18. People who moved on

Life is in constant motion and our social environment keeps changing with it.

Reflect back on the people who were part of your life at one point and either passed on or the relationship ended for whatever reason.

People like your teachers, school buddies, previous coworkers, past romantic relationships, family members, and friends. What did you learn from the relationship? Who inspired you and how? If you were to see this person again and can only speak to them in positive terms, what would you say?

19. People who influenced you

These are the people and role models that you may have met (or not). Maybe you saw a story on Oprah, or read a book or a biography and felt inspired.

What are the things you’re thankful for from your role models and inspiring individuals?

20. Art and entertainment

What are the TV shows that you watch? What are the things you enjoy about them? What movies are you grateful for? How did they affect you?

Think of sports, theater, paintings, or other works of art that bring you joy and you’re thankful for.

21. Books and knowledge

What books have influenced you? What stories resonated with you?

What are the things you learned that changed your life? How did you learn them?

22. Music and sound

Listen to your favorite artist and feel the creative energy behind their work. What do you feel? Reflect on how their music elevates you.

What sounds around are you thankful for—birds chirping, a child laughing, someone drumming, wood crackling in a fireplace, typing on your keyboard?

23. Animals and pets

Give thanks today for all the pets you have or had in the past. We can learn so much from animals and how they live their life, moment by moment, doing their thing without judgment or complaints.

What lessons did you learn from your pets? Do you have any fond memories of times you spent playing with a pet?

24. Nature

Today notice every thing around you that’s part of life, the soil, trees, shrubs, grass, the clouds, the color of the sky, the weather.

Reflect on all the things we extract from earth—oil, metals & minerals and plants.

25. Services

Pay close attention to all the services that you use on a daily basis. When you start your shower, think of all the plumbing and work that is done to get you hot water and to drain the water that you use. Think of what it takes to dispose of all the waste we produce.

And don’t forget to appreciate the building structures, the roads, and the power and cable lines. How much planning and hard work it took to create the entire infrastructure that we use every day.

26. Science and technology

Our knowledge of the planet, ourselves and life around us has grown exponentially. Consider the advent of printing, radio, television, the telephone, satellite and the internet.

We are connected today because of all the advances in technology.  Look at the computer screen, mobile phone or tablet that you’re reading this article on and think of all the resources required to provide you with the equipment, power and communication services.

27. Medicine and healing

We are so fortunate to live in times where we have options. We can go to the doctor and get treatment or choose a naturopathic approach. The quality of life has improved tremendously because of the giant leap in vaccines and  medicine. We have been able to eradicate diseases that killed millions in the past.

Reflect today on how you benefit from such advances compared to our ancestors.

28. The universe

We live on a planet that is situated at the perfect distance from the sun—our star and main source of energy. The moon serves its purpose in climate and tide control seamlessly. How lucky are we to be supported by 4.5 billion years of expansion and evolution. Our existence is the miracle of all miracles. So let’s celebrate it today.

Look at the heavens. Give thanks to the moon, the sun, the stars and all the invisible energy and forces that run in the background making life as we know it possible.

29. Beauty

As we get closer to the end of our journey, let’s start looking into the truth behind every creation and expression around us. When we truly look, we see beauty at its utmost profound level.

When you look deep, you will see everything as a work of art. Your kitchen tiles, the design or print on your bed sheets, the shape of a light bulb, your computer or cell phone, the fabric on a chair, the thread on a tire. Expand your awareness today and see the exquisite in everything.

30. Love and connection

Love is what life is made from; it’s at the core of our being. Give thanks for all the people and all the things you love in your life. Appreciate the people who love you the way you are and are there to support you.

Celebrate love today from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep. You will find plenty of it all around you.

What’s next

Focusing on what’s good when things are going smoothly is easy. It’s much harder to be grateful in the midst of rocky and challenging times. No matter how bad things seem, there is always something to be grateful for. The mind shift happens when you keep looking for the goodness in everyday life experiences.

After 30 days of focused gratitude I recommend you keep a journal (paper, or computer, doesn’t matter). In your journal write about two things:

I. Your success for the day

Write about what you got done today. Did you make it to work or a meeting on time? Did you brush your teeth? Did you empty the dishwasher?

There is no small success.  You don’t have to be detailed; just create a simple list. Try to list at least 5 to 10 things per day. For example:

1. Woke up at 6
2. Meditated
3. Showered
4. Took the dog for a walk
5. Had lunch with a friend
6. Wrote in journal
7. Published blog post
8. Paid bills
9. Completed ABC report
10. Worked out for 10 minutes

II. Things you’re grateful for

Write five things each day that you’re grateful for. This can include health, money, family, friends, a fresh cup of coffee, the washing machine. Come up with five things. The next day find five different things to be thankful for.

The gratitude habit

As you go about your day, notice anything that can make it to your list of success and gratitude. Write it down as soon as you can. Sometimes by the end of the day you just need to reflect on your list.

The whole process of journaling about success and what you’re grateful for is simple and won’t take you more than 10 minutes. However, it will transform your life. You will shift from focusing on what went wrong in your day to what went right. Do this for a whole year and see what happens.

Together we can create a gratitude movement. If we spend just a few minutes every day reflecting on what’s working in our lives we will change our world—one thought and emotion at a time.

Let’s use Meister Eckhart’s infamous saying as a mantra to enforce the habit of gratitude.

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice.

This is the perfect time of the year to express our gratitude for all the gifts we’ve been fortunate enough to receive in this life.

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” ~William Arthur Ward

We all have experienced happiness and sadness, pain and pleasure, well being and illness, gain and loss and all sorts of ups and downs. Let’s stop and reflect on our experiences with gratefulness and appreciation.

The power of gratitude

Gratitude is the best networking approach that keeps you in close contact with abundance.

Every time you express deep and profound gratitude, you align yourself with life. You become closer to the limitless creative energy of the universe.

And just like the doors of opportunity open up for you because of the people you know, the doors of universal goodness open up. The more thanks you give to the universe, the more things you will receive to be thankful for.

When you constantly think of the best, you become the best—the most powerful and effortless transformation.

The grace of gratitude

Being thankful has amazing positive effects. Studies have shown that people who kept a gratitude journal writing daily 5 to 10 things they’re grateful for increased their happiness and well being, and boosted their progress towards their goals.

Being in a state of gratefulness will open your heart and raise your vibrational resonance. It will uplift your spirit in the darkest of times.

The gratitude connection

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” ~Albert Schweitzer

When you express gratitude, you give yourself the gift of lightness and appreciation.  You start gravitating more towards the beauty and wisdom of all of life. Every experience and feeling becomes a gift.

As you focus more on gratitude, you see the value and contribution of the amazing people around you. You radiate gratefulness in your exchange with others passing on the gift of gratitude.

You uplift others in the process and elevate the positive energy of everyone—the most precious gift you can give to the universe. And the universe returns the favor by handing you more love and beauty. It’s a universal and collective win.

The  journey

Knowing the positive impact gratitude has, it becomes necessary to make it a habit—to continuously give thanks for all the good that comes to you.

Today I invite you to join me and other fellow passengers on this wondrous journey and go for a 30 days gratitude adventure.

Every day we will pick one thing that we’re grateful for. We’ll explore it in depth and reflect positively—with appreciation—on the experience, object, interaction, or creation.

You don’t have to do these in sequence or even pick the same items. The most important thing is to pick one thing every day and focus your intention and energy on being grateful with all of your heart and soul.

If you have the time to write down your thoughts at the end of the day and how you feel, it will engage your entire brain and enhance your experience.

We all have demonstrated that we have the power and ability to accomplish what we desire, thrive and overcome and move past challenges. Let’s celebrate life and its blessings together.

1. Breath

If I were to connect life with one word it would be breath. We breathe life on average 20,000 times per day.

Today focus on your breathing as much as you can. Stop every hour or so and take a few deep breaths. Follow the oxygen as it goes into your body and notice how your magnificent body eliminates toxins.

Think of the oxygen in our atmosphere and how we get the necessary dose to breathe and energize the body. Look at the forms of life around you and notice how they’re breathing.

How does it feel to be able to breathe?  What’s the value of every breath you take? How grateful are you?

2. Movement

Today become more aware of the way you move. Start when you get up in the morning, move around your home, get ready, walk, grab something, kick something, or write something. Pay attention to your feet, legs, arms, hands and fingers.

Reflect on all the things you can do because you’re able to move.

3. Body functions and organs

Pay attention to how your body sends you signals all day. Become aware of how your body lets you know that you’re thirsty, hungry or you need a bathroom break.

Think of all the work that goes in the background to get nutrients from what you eat, hydrate your body and eliminate excess waste.

How fortunate are we to have such amazing and complex organs functioning seamlessly!

4. Senses

Indulge your senses today by giving your full awareness to the experience. Taste the goodness in food; really feel what you touch; look with focus and see the beauty around you; listen with intent and smell the freshness of the season.

If you wish to take it deeper, reflect on each sense for a day instead of grouping them all together.

5. Food & drink

Whatever you eat and drink today, consume it with appreciation. Think of the time, effort and resources that were expended for you to have what you’re having.

Give thanks to other forms of life that generously give to you—vegetables, fruits, herbs, cows, pigs, chicken, turkey, fish and so on.

6. Brain power

Observe your thoughts today. Whenever you do anything, become aware of the command that you give and how your body responds instantly.

Be thankful for the super computer that runs your body, your thoughts and your imagination.

7. Receiving

We often focus on what we’re lacking and what we want to have. Let’s take a break and focus on what we have received in our life.

Think of all the money you received, be it a salary, a gift, an inheritance or assistance.  Bring to memory all the other gifts, big and small, that you received.

You will be amazed by how much value you have received over a lifetime.

8. Giving

Let’s shift the focus to what you gave in a lifetime. Think of all the money, gifts, and help you have given over the years. Include all the money you paid for services and products, donations, and anything else you can think of.

How many people benefited because of your giving? Countless I bet.

9. Success

Taking a day to be grateful for success is something that will invigorate you and restore your confidence.

What are all the achievements in your life? Include everything that you can think of like education, family, work, health, business.

How do you feel about your success?

10. Failure

Instead of the usual self abuse over failure, let’s think today of the positive side of not playing it safe.

What are the things you feel you failed at? Did you take any risk? What lessons have you learned and how did you grow from such experiences?

11. Home

What are all the things you like about your home? Reflect on the security and  warmth of being at home. It’s your shelter, your sanctuary and the place you always come back to.

Give thanks for the building and construction process and all the machines and people that transformed materials into the place you call home.

12. Clothing

Take a look in your closet and think of all the work that was done to create the clothing items that you wear—from design, fabric, machines and labor to the store where you bought them.

Feel the embrace of fabric against your body, the protection and comfort your clothes give you.

13. Furniture

As you get up in the morning, look at the bed you’re sleeping in and how much  rest it gives you. Think of the ways you are supported by every chair or couch you sit on, every table or desk you use.

Think of the process of creating these items and how they got to you—the long journey it took to transform raw material into things of beauty and comfort.

14. Belongings

From the time you get up to the time you go to sleep, look at everything in your surroundings, appliances, electronics, cars, musical instruments, pens, paper, funds you have, investments, and so on.

Just like we did before, think of all the creative ideas behind such items and the entire process of making them come to life and be of use to you.

15. Skills and gifts

There are so many skills that we have acquired over the years that we take for granted. Today think of such skills like being able to walk, push a wheelchair, read, write, use a computer, surf the internet, drive, ride a bicycle, draw, take photographs, play a musical instrument, and anything else you can think of.

You also have so many gifts that you may not even notice. Think of the things that come naturally to you, like a sense of humor, intuition, imagination and creativity, wit, ability to learn, ability to connect with other people with ease. Give thanks for all your skills and abilities.

Because this article is long, I have split it into two parts. The second part will be released within a week.

I’m so grateful for you dear reader and for every communication I have with you. Happy thanksgiving to our American friends.

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.  ~Albert Camus

In the past few days I’ve witnessed the magnificence of nature—autumn is in full swing. Life said goodbye to the warmth of the summer and is readying itself for the cold winter.

Leaves are dancing to the gust of wind in a symphony of color, flying freely, giving in to their fate … gracefully.

There are a few lessons that this season and nature can teach us about life. These are the most important ones that I want to share with you today.

Lesson 1: non-attachment

The Buddhists believe that the origin of suffering is attachment to transient things.

Leaves grow attached to their mother tree. However, when it is time to move on, they fall to the ground freely. They don’t hold on more than they need to. The tree lets go of the leaves it mothered with grace and complete surrender. It doesn’t hold on to them when they are no longer needed.

One can look at it as an act of love as well. The leaves were not meant to withstand the harshness of the winter. They served their purpose and they can be of better service to life as they transform to mulch and feed the earth. I can view myself as the tree and every person and experience in my life as a leaf. Each leaf is there to serve a purpose. When things end, I can move on just like the tree and let the experiences and people go—without holding on to the past with its regrets and triumphs.

We can let go of stories, experiences and people that have moved on or as we grow and move on ourselves.

Lesson 2: contentment

He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature. ~ Socrates

All leaves are dealt their hand in life. Some leaves get to grow at the top of the tree, others in the middle and some closer to the bottom. Some leaves are bright and shiny and others might have some browning spots or are misshapen. Each one of those leaves contributes to the overall existence of the tree. No leaf is better or worse. Leaves don’t compare themselves to each other or want more of what they don’t have. Each leaf evolves as it is to serve its purpose as part of the tree.

We can look at humanity as the tree and each one of us as a leaf. Some are privileged; others are not.  Human leaves come in all shapes and forms and abilities. None of us is better or worse, we all are here to be part of the tree of humanity—contributing to its beauty and evolution. We don’t need to have any more than what we have to serve our purpose and be all we can be.

Lesson 3: surrender

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does. ~George Bernard Shaw

When I look at the wind blowing and pushing the leaves around, I feel it’s bullying them and kicking them into submission. But I don’t think this is how the leaves experience it. Instead of fighting and resisting the wind, they move with it without complaining.

We can do the same as the wind starts to blow in our lives. We can move with life without fighting and resisting. We can accept what life hands us and make the best of it, trusting that it is serving the greater purpose of our growth.

The beauty of life lies in its constant graceful and surrendered change.  Let’s join life in its celebration of the season by fully accepting and living our own life as it unfolds in this moment.

No spring, nor summer beauty hath such grace,

As I have seen in one autumnal face. ~John Donne

Do you want to feel more peace in your life right at this moment?

If the answer is yes, then do this one thing: Regardless of what it is you’re doing or experiencing, do the best you can. That’s it.

Doing the best you can is very simple. When you’re contemplating or starting something, intend on doing the best you can.

Say to yourself (inwardly or outwardly) I’ll do the best I can.

The beauty of your best

Doing your best will transform the way you do the simplest of tasks. Think of these benefits.

Awakening to this moment

When you do your best, you’ll experience life on a whole new level. You’ll be fully immersed in what you’re doing. You will have sharp, but soft focus on one action without the need to think about what was before or what’s coming after.

Acceptance and appreciation

The underlying intention of doing your best, will pave the way for you to experience this moment as is. If you’re feeling angry, it’s the best you can feel. If you’re feeling happy, it’s your best as well. Accepting what you’re feeling will ease you into action with more awareness.

If you know you’re doing your best, you can’t expect anything more from yourself. You will accept your effort for what it is.

And when you accept, you open your entire being to life. You set yourself up in a feel good loop. You accept and appreciate, and you feel better, and as you feel better, you appreciate more.

Being at peace

When you experience what’s unfolding right now, without struggle, you will feel an inner calm. You will go with it and let everything else float in the background.

How do you do your best?

How can you tell if you’re doing your best? It’s very simple. Look within and see how you’re feeling at the moment. Are you contented? Are you calm? Or are you anxious and frazzled? Only you can tell.

Consider these simple guidelines that I found useful in my own experience of trying to do my best.

No standards

You get to define what best means to you. There are no grades or gold stars. This is your best—you own it.

No perfection

Your best is personal, not perfect. It’s dynamic and flexible. It will change and grow with you over time.

No expectations

Put in your best effort without any regard to outcomes. Don’t focus on goals and targets; do the best you can and the results will take care of themselves.

No rush

You can’t do your best if you’re obsessing over how fast you’re going and trying to save time. Go for it and forget time all together.

More play

Don’t take things too seriously. The best is usually light hearted and playful.

A way of life

Doing your best can become a way of life for you—every minute and every day—whether it’s a mental challenge, a physical experience or an emotional meltdown. Reminding yourself that you’re doing the best you can is the best way to handle anything.

When you wake up in the morning, remind yourself that your intention today is to do the best you can. Do your best when you move out of bed; make your shower the best one you’ve ever had. Get dressed like it’s fashion week for you. Eat the best breakfast you can have. Do the best job you can do. Smile your best smile. Laugh your best laugh and cry your best cry.

It is the smallest of moments, experienced to the fullest, that infuse your life with the most profound meaning and value. A life lived moment by moment the best way possible is a life well lived.

“Act well at the moment, and you have performed a good action for all eternity.” ~Johann Kaspar Lavater

To your best!

“If you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans” ~Woody Allen

Do we tempt fate with our desire to have a fixed path?

Each and every day we have a plan or at least an expectation of how our day is going to unfold. In most cases the main things remain the same with a few challenges. In other cases, things divert in a big way, and more often than not, the diversion is something we don’t like.

This is what happened to me in the last few days. My routine got disrupted first by my computer’s hard drive giving up on me (meaning loss of data and having to replace the drive). The next day my father screwed up his lab test, so it had to be done again (meaning two more trips to the lab) and hours later, my mother called to tell me she chipped one of her front teeth (meaning an expensive couple of visits to the dentist).

My reaction to each situation was calm at first. I started thinking about what I needed to do to solve the issues. Then my mind kicked in. I started freaking out about the data I might lose on the computer and all the time it would take me to deal with the other stuff.

The truth is I didn’t want to deal with the problems. I wanted to go about my business as usual. I felt reality slapped me in the face and I wanted to slap it back by resisting.

On an intellectual level I knew that I couldn’t fight with reality, it’s going to win no matter what. But on an emotional level I didn’t care. I felt angry, frustrated, scared and overwhelmed. I started feeling the pain in my body—a knot in my stomach, shortness of breath and pressure in my head.

How can I feel better when I know I have to deal with unexpected and unwanted interruptions?

I’d like to share with you my experience. Maybe it will be of help to you.

Don’t fight your emotions and resistance.

I have this notion that the more enlightened approach is to accept the challenging situation without resistance.

I felt bad about feeling angry and frustrated. I wanted to feel calm; but I didn’t. Fighting the feelings made them worse. It was time to go deeper.

Observe, feel and invite.

Instead of arguing with emotions—another battle you can never win—go into your body and notice how you feel. Where is the pain in your body? Pay attention to that area.

You will notice at first that the pain intensifies as you focus on it. But after a while it will subside. Keep at it until there is nothing left for you to feel.

Then talk to your pain and ask if there is any more. I asked my fears to show up right now. Again something will come up and you will feel it in your body. And as you continue to observe, it will ease.

I found this to be the most effective way to deal with emotions and resistance.

Trust.

We are more capable of handling setbacks than we think. The best guidance in these situations is your body—which is a magnificent mechanism for sensing and dealing with danger. When your body is okay, know that you are too.

It helped me tremendously to keep reminding myself that I can handle all of that stuff and more. I’ve been through worse before and managed to survive. This is not really that bad. Things could be worse.

I found it important to let trust come after processing the fearful thoughts and emotions.

The reason is most of our responses at the basic level are illogical and tend to fight and argue with anything that diverts from the drama. So it’s better to let the drama flow through and clear it out, then move to the calmer more logical approach.

Take small action.

And by small I mean the smallest. In my case, the first thing was to try to salvage some of the data that wasn’t backed up. I managed to save part of it and lost the rest. And that’s okay—it didn’t kill me. Then my partner ordered a new hard drive.

Realizing how much I rely on my computer and that I can’t wait for a couple of weeks, I got a small laptop as a backup for our household.

Next my father’s lab work was redone. It took about an hour. My mother’s tooth is going to be dealt with next week. I booked the appointment. And now I’m back to my normal routine.

Pause.

It’s very tempting when we’re in the midst of dealing with interruptions to keep racing against time. The best way to overcome the compulsion to keep going is to mindfully stop. Do something else or better yet, do nothing and just be still for a few moments.

A brief break will broaden your perspective and might give you insight on what to do next.

The setbacks I was faced with slowed my progress. I wrote this post later than anticipated and other stuff got pushed back. I’m fine and life goes on.

Life is messy and can be crazy sometimes. We can either go with it and do the best we can at the moment or stomp our feet and keep fighting.

From years of fighting and avoidance, I can tell you that things got worse—the problems got magnified and fear grew into more fear. It’s a losing battle and one that drains the energy out of us with no positive outcome.

It’s much better to enjoy the ride as much as we can, and try to accept the bumpy parts.  As we learn more to allow what we don’t like, we surrender more to life, and this is where we grow the most.

“To err is human, to blame the next guy even more so.”

Making mistakes is inevitable—it’s part of life. Can we say the same thing about blame? Is blame part of human nature?

Who hasn’t blamed someone or something for whatever happened or didn’t happen? As long as we deal with others and experience setbacks, we will have strong reasons for blame.

We blame parents, teachers, siblings, friends, or politicians. It doesn’t stop there, when we don’t have a person to blame, we blame god, the universe, luck, the weather, the economy or circumstances.

Blame spreads like wildfire. Before you know it, your entire life has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what’s outside of you. Blame is very powerful and can significantly distort your view of the world.

So what happens when you blame?

You give up control over how you think and feel, and subsequently how you react or act. Let’s look at this simple example.

If your partner doesn’t listen to what you say, you’ll feel disrespected and not worthy of their attention. How you feel and how you think is completely dependent on the way your partner treats you. In effect, you have no control over how you feel; your partner determines how you feel by his or her words or actions.

Take the above example and add to it countless other encounters and difficulties in your daily life and you turn into a victim—the whole world becomes a hostile environment that makes you feel bad. You sink into a cycle of outside influences and reaction.

However, blame has another much darker side—one that we hardly ever stop to think about.

The paradox: the darker side of blame

Blame doesn’t stop with you feeling miserable and not being able to handle the challenges in your own life. It extends to how you view others.

When you view yourself as a victim, you project this notion onto others. If they have control over you, then you must have control over them.

If you change the behavior in others that upsets you, you’ll feel better. In other words, you start wanting to change others—the way they think, speak and act.

You have no control over your life but have control over others. That’s the paradox of blame, the absurd dance of victimhood and control.

And what happens when you control others?

If you ever tried to control anything outside of yourself, you’d know that it’s an exercise in futility. Nothing positive can come out of controlling others. Think of the following traps.

Expectations

You start having expectations and labeling the desired outcome as good or bad. In the situation above, my spouse needs to listen to me. Because if he doesn’t, I’ll remain miserable.

So you go into arguments with your spouse about the importance of listening and paying attention. If both parties don’t stop and meet in middle, the finger pointing game continues and no one wins.

Waiting vs. living

You put your life on hold. Because everything is dependent on others and circumstances, you hide behind if only. You’re just waiting for things to improve and for people to change.

Anxiety and stress

Both blame and the desire (or need) to control others add to your anxiety and stress. When people don’t do what you expect, you feel disappointed, frustrated, angry and a myriad of other negative emotions—perpetuating a cycle of negativity that never stops.

How to get out of the blame zone

As we talked about above, blame can be very powerful in the way we perceive and experience life. In order to step out of the blame trap you need to start with where you’re at.

Become aware of the areas of blame.

What are the things in your life that you feel are not working well because of outside influences? Is it your job, the place you live, your colleagues, friends, family members, etc.?

At this point, you only need to pinpoint the areas of discomfort.

Take responsibility.

For every aspect you determine above, how can you turn the situation around and see how you can accept your part in it?

In the example about the spouse not listening, consider the following.

• What are you trying to tell your partner?
• Think of the time you talk to him, the language you use, your tone, your posture.
• What would happen if your spouse didn’t listen?
• Can you talk to someone else about it?
• Do you need to talk about it?
• Step outside of the situation and think of all the other ways in which your partner loves you and respects you.
• Another interesting thing here. Usually what we crave from others, we lack within ourselves. So are you listening to yourself? Are you listening to your partner?

Surrender the need to control and meet others with understanding.

Once you realize where you’re at and your part in it, take a step forward and meet the other with understanding.

In the case of the spouse above, can you calmly talk to her asking why she appears to not want to listen? You will be amazed by how simple questions and a genuine desire to understand the other person can turn the whole thing around.

You can’t control the outcome and you can’t control people. Control has failed repeatedly—from manipulation, persuasion, guilt tripping, expectations, to the use of force. When you meet life with understanding and take responsibility for your part, you will affect change in so many ways.

How to control your own feelings and thoughts is not easy, but it gets easier with practice. Start today with one simple shift. Imagine a life where you don’t blame or control anything outside of you—a life free of stress and disappointment. Who wouldn’t want that?

I leave you with the words of Thích Nhat Hanh that sum it all.

“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce.

Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce.

Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.”

Photo courtesy of Stuart Richards

If only I was smarter.

If only I was more attractive.

If only I was younger, older, healthier, richer, wiser …

If only he would love me. If only she would recognize me.

How many times have we used if only? Did it serve any purpose? Why do we use it in the first place?

Everything we think or do has a reason or a payoff—whether we know it or not. Let’s start with getting to know if only.

What is if only

If represents a condition to the universe. What follows the if is what would make me happy.

Only is the quantifier of the one and only thing that makes a difference in life. It’s the thing that matters the most. Nothing else is good enough.

If only is a conditional quantifier that robs you of you. Below you’ll find how it can negatively affect the quality of your life.

The truth behind if only

Hiding behind excuses

Most of the time using something like if only is the reason we stop pursuing what we desire. It’s a way of saying, I can’t get this so I give up.

If only that romantic partner would show up and make up for all the misery. We feel stuck; there is nothing we can do right now.

Focusing on what’s missing

If only means that I’m not okay where I am and I need what follows to be happy and contented.

The need is something that’s lacking—something that would complete my life.

Rejecting what is

When we focus on what’s missing, we automatically ignore what is and all the good in our lives.

If you wish you were younger, you’re thinking about the past and if you wish you were older and wiser you’re looking at the future.

If only is about the future and what it can bring. Also, it’s about the past and what could’ve been. It’s never about what’s here now.

Blocking what can be

Fixating on what’s missing from our life creates a tunnel vision, which hinders our ability to be open to new possibilities that might come our way.

If only robs this moment of its goodness. If only is the black hole at the core of your ego that sucks the light from your life.

The difference between if only and true desires

True desires are possibilities within that are unexplored. They are the gentle whispers of your heart and the excitement that tugs on your soul. True desires and aspirations don’t hide behind if only. On the contrary, they immerge in spite of any if only.

If only is the limitation that stops you in your tracks. It is the assassin of your dreams.

We all know that we create more of what we focus on. If only is the magnifying glass of uncreative dissatisfaction. True desires are the spark of the creative genius within you.

Your dreams and desires elevate and empower. If only steels away your power and faith in your abilities.

If only is the sword of resistance. It stops you from stepping out of your comfort zone. It prevents you from living your higher purpose—to be all you can be as you are right now.

When you ask from the depth of your heart, you will find all the power and ability you need to move forward towards your desires. But when you hide behind the ego driven if only, you’re giving yourself a fake reason to stay put and feel inadequate.

If only has no purpose in your life other than to deprive you of your birthright—to be happy and contented right here and now.

Letting go of if only

When you catch yourself thinking or saying if only, stop. Ask yourself what’s the purpose of this if only. Does it help you in this moment or not? Most likely it won’t so throw it out.

Also, become aware of if only in disguise—any condition or quantifier relating to your life or others that makes you feel miserable and powerless.

A simple shift in focus and thinking is all you need.

Use your imagination to send if only into outer space (or any place) where it is transmuted and can no longer affect you or anyone else. Choose instead to focus on what you have right now and what you want to achieve in your life.

If only shrinks you to the point where you can’t recognize your own truth and power—your intrinsic value and limitless potential. Remove this destructive notion from your mind so it won’t break your heart.

You are more than enough and no “if only” can take that away from you.

I woke up feeling agitated and tense. I am supposed to pick up my parents from the train station. The drive takes me about an hour each way. I laid in bed not feeling up to doing anything. As my anxiety continued to build, the inner dialogue started to get nastier.

I kept asking myself: what’s wrong with you? Everything is fine … why don’t you focus on this moment instead of dreading the drive to the station? Why can’t you be grateful for all of the things that are going right instead of anticipating something going wrong?

The mental dialogue didn’t help. It increased my anxiety and the slight agitation turned into anger—towards me.

I finally got out of bed, dreading the day.

Anxiety is my constant companion, my ever-painful buddy that doesn’t leave me for long. And when it does, it comes back stronger and more potent than before.

How I handled anxiety in the past

Whenever I felt anxious, I went through the same cycle of thoughts and reactions that can be summarized below.

Anxiety and the future

“I define anxiety as experiencing failure in advance” ~ Seth Godin

The above quote resonated with me. When I think of anxiety, I think of the future, of something that hasn’t happened yet.

My approach is usually to bring myself back from the future to the present moment. I try as much as possible to focus on what I’m doing now.

But that doesn’t last long. I start drifting back to the future—what I need to do and when I need to leave.

Reasoning with anxiety

After a few attempts at presence, I move to questioning and trying to understand why I’m feeling anxious.

Every time I questioned my feelings and didn’t come up with a good reason, I felt more frustrated. I tried to convince my mind not to be anxious. I tried repeating affirmations and breathing deeply. They worked but not for long.

Resistance is anxiety’s best friend.

Trying to bring my focus back to now and questioning my reasons for feeling anxious gave me one solid result—more resistance.

My mind kept asking what’s wrong with you. Why are you anxious? You’ve done this a thousand times.

No matter what tricks I tried my anxiety stayed the same at best and in some cases got worse. The more I resisted the worse I felt.

A different approach

As I felt tired and drained before my day started, I decided to try something different. Here is what I did.

Anxiety and now

I always thought of anxiety as escaping the present moment. If I’m feeling anxious, it’s because I’m thinking about the future.

But this time I started to think differently. I’m feeling anxious and tense right now at this particular moment—regardless of the cause.

Meditating on anxiety

I decided to meditate on how I’m feeling. I shifted my focus to the anxiety. I let my thoughts go wild and then traced the feeling in my body. I felt the tight knot in my stomach and the hint of nausea. I felt my arms and my legs. Then noticed how shallow my breathing was.

I allowed myself to be one with my anxiety, then I smiled. After 20 minutes, the anxiety was still there but I felt much better about it.

No understanding required

After feeling better, I stopped thinking about the cause and decided just to go with the feeling.

I kept on doing my thing and when it was time to go to the station, I got in the car. The roads were busy and traffic wasn’t going smoothly. I felt the anxiety, but instead of asking questions and looking for answers, I let my body express it.

I felt the tightness in my body with every brake, the pain in my stomach with every traffic congestion. It was tiring but it was less tiring than arguing with my feelings.

For the first time I let my anxiety be instead of arguing with it. I became the observer and allowed it to come through me while I continued to do what I wanted to do.

As my journey progressed, my anxiety started to diminish. By the time I was home, it was gone—on its own.

Managing anxiety in 3 simple steps

Anxiety is part of life—the sooner you accept this fact the easier your life becomes. How you deal with your anxiety is what makes a difference. I can summarize my experience in the following steps.

1. Sit with the feeling and be still. Notice how your body responds. Stay there for a while if you can. The more you allow your body to feel, the more you accept the emotion and become okay with it.

2. Don’t try to understand why you’re feeling this way. You can’t reason with your emotions—no one can.

3. Don’t let your feelings stop you from pursing what you want to do. You will feel worse if you freeze. Do your thing and allow your anxiety to be in the background.

Being at peace with anxiety was one of the best things I’ve done. Instead of taking it out on traffic or people, I just focused on the feelings I had in my body. Some of the feelings were not pleasant but that’s okay. I don’t expect everything to be comfortable.

Make a conscious choice today to move forward without trying to change the way you feel. Instead, do your thing and let your emotions do their thing. You will reduce friction in your life and get better results.

If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it. ~Toni Morrison

Photo courtesy of TWINTHOMAS