“Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.” ~Arthur Golden

Do you know of anyone who has never mourned the loss of a loved one, or suffered from illness or turmoil in their lives?

We all go through painful experiences. It is part of this physical existence. We know we have to face pain sooner or later, yet we remain ill equipped to deal with it.

We don’t learn in schools how to cope with loss or deal with a serious illness. So, we grow—like so many generations before us—thinking if we just ignore this aspect of living,  it won’t happen to us.

This of course is not true. Our fear or denial of death and loss won’t stop such things from happening. We all know that death is the eventuality of each birth. But our survival instincts make us fight it tooth and nail to the end.

Negative feelings to adversity are the typical response. How can we deal with it peacefully?

There is no one solution that fits all. We all have different emotional responses. Some cry, some get depressed, others escape, and others face it with grace and acceptance.

I don’t think it is humanly possible to not feel the pain of death, illness, loss (of status, a job/career or material possessions) and betrayal and breakups.

But I think it is within us to experience such challenging situations from a place of strength and acceptance instead of fear and resistance.

Recognize your strength.

Remember that you are brave for being here—every human being is. We exist. We put ourselves out here to experience both joy and pain. Loss is inevitable. Yet we keep going.

It is easy to say accept the situation in theory or after the dust has settled but when you are in the middle of it, what can you do?

1. From a place of stillness, allow the shock and feelings to go through you.

There is no point in resisting what you feel. Take it out of your system. By that I mean become aware of your thoughts and feelings; pay close attention to how your body is reacting. Let the wave of fear, sadness or anger go through you.

Express your thoughts if you need to in a constructive way. Bawling your eyes out and wailing won’t help anyone. But crying from a place of stillness can be a relief. Write about your thoughts and feelings. The more you express them, the sooner such thoughts and emotions will move on allowing you to deal with the situation.

2. Become aware of mind games—questioning, blame and regret.

At the beginning you might feel the need to know why something happened. Or worse, you start blaming yourself or someone else for what happened.

Once the thoughts come up, meet them with understanding. Think of the arguments first. Why this terrible thing happened to such a wonderful person. The simple answer of course is why not.

Someone has to go through this experience. It is part of our evolution at this point. So this person must be a strong soul to accept such a challenge in their lives. The same applies to the loved ones who will share this painful journey with the sick or dying person.

Dealing with blame can be harder. It is an argument that no one wins. Then there is blame’s ugly cousin: regret—the what if and what could be.

When you are in the early stages of dealing with a situation, it is easy to slip into wishing things were different and what you or someone else could’ve done differently.

Feel the negativity and let it be. Don’t suppress it. Just feel it. Sit with it and let it run its course. With time you will be able to find a way to overcome … and one day to forgive, if needed.

3. Trust and deal with your situation.

The worst you can do is avoid the situation and escape. You will feel guilty and resent yourself. We all have more strength than we can imagine. The good thing about life is that it doesn’t give us more than we can handle, even if we can’t see it.

In times of adversity you will have all the strength and resolve to deal with the situation. Trust in your ability and that of the people surrounding you.

Things are usually worse in our head than in reality. When you face the music, you allow the experience to manifest.

4. Accept what is.

After you go through your emotions and as you deal with the situation, you will find yourself more in tune with life. You just accept things as they are and roll with it.

From this acceptance comes peace. At this point you realize it is futile to argue with what is. You are better off accepting the situation. Have faith that you and your loved ones will do the best they can. The rest is beyond your control—it will take care of itself. It always does.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. If not, it will kill you and that is okay. We all have an exit. We don’t know when or where. But we know we have one. Remembering this can help us accept life’s most challenging situations.

5. Find closure and let go.

If you survive the experience, you will have endured and that gives you more strength and courage to deal with other situations.

The important thing at this time is to find closure and move on. If you stay stuck rehashing what happened or dwelling on how things could be different, you will create a new painful experience that will strip your strength and resolve and leave you an emotional mess.

It is not easy and we may never know the ultimate cosmic reason for what happens and to whom. But we all know that no one is immune to it. The thing that we need to remember the most is: we all have within us the eternal life that creates, endures and evolves.

“Adversity is the diamond dust Heaven polishes its jewels with.”  ~Thomas Carlyle quotes

Do you ever walk into a room or leave a room and no one notices?  The conversation seems to move on pretty well without you. There is no acknowledgment of your presence or absence; you are invisible.

Heck sometimes you say something witty and it catches on. But no one remembers, or cares to remember, that you were the one who said it. And if you ever get noticed, it’s because of the people you’re with, not because of what you say or do. You are not the life of the party.

Your invisible state extends to your virtual world where attention becomes a numbers game. How many followers you have on twitter or how many subscribers do you have to your blog? No social proof means you’re invisible.

We grow up wanting attention. When we learn a new skill, we can’t wait to show our parents: look at me riding my bike or jumping in the lake. A little attention goes a long way. But why is that?

Why do we make attention (positive or negative) such an important part of our experience?

Let’s explore some of our motivations for seeking attention and the price tag that comes with it.

Validation. Attention means we are being observed. Someone is validating our presence and contributions. We want to be missed when we leave a room or leave this life. We want to be remembered … we want proof that we were here at one point.

The flip side is too much attention turns validation into a nightmare. I don’t think a movie star appreciates or wants the paparazzi and tabloids documenting everything they do.

Motivation. Attention sometimes becomes a motivator (for better or worse). Sometimes we do things to impress someone or to prove to them that we are worthy of their attention.

This type of attention seeking may not be welcomed by the other party. And if it is, it usually doesn’t leave a lasting impression.

Social masking. I knew a woman who commanded a lot of attention wherever she went.  The interesting thing was: everything she said was someone else’s words. She would take other people’s words and ideas and repeat them as hers.

At first, this infuriated me then I realized the noise she created was her way of masking her confusion; she had no clue about who she was.  She was claiming other people’s views as hers, and publicizing them in any way she could, to avoid dealing with her own truth.

Leadership. Leaders command attention and a lot of people would like to think of themselves as leaders. They are the ones that drive change.  Maybe so. Public leadership has a price. In most cases the cause get twisted and what started as a genuine attempt at change ends up being the flip side of the same stagnant issue. Lots of noise but no real change.

Can you lead without attention? I don’t know. What I know is that you can affect positive change without attention. You live your life and let the rest be. Sooner or later, you will inspire someone. This is where true change begins.

Success. Someone must be successful if they get noticed and remain in the public eye for a while. This is the new type of perceived success … celebrity. The person becomes famous for the silliest of reasons and then they become a brand. Is he or she successful? Maybe.

The opposite is true. Lots of the most talented artists whose work outlived them for centuries never got the attention or the appreciation. Who would you rather be?

Are you OK with being invisible?

Consider the following questions. Answer them from your most inner felt truths.

Imagine that you got all the attention you need:

1. What would you do? Would you want to do more of something or less of something? How is it going to change your life?

2. How would you feel? Now that you are well recognized, how would you feel? Are you happy, confident, rich, worthy and important? Do you see yourself as a leader?

3. Who are the people that you want their attention most? Or is it the masses? How many … thousands, millions? If you have their attention, how would you interact with them? What would you offer them?

4. How is your life going to be different? All the fame and changes that come with it are now yours. How are you living your days? What’s so amazing about your new life?

Now imagine the opposite. You are in a world where no one cares one iota about what you do or say.

5. What would you do differently? Would you more of something or less of something? How is it going to change your life? Remember no one is watching.

6. How would you feel? Are you sad, insecure, feeling unworthy and unimportant?

7. Who are the people that you will pay attention to; knowing fair well the attention won’t be reciprocated? Are they politicians, movie stars, writers, scientists, family members? Why do you care about them? What’s in it for you?

The questions above represent two extremes. In reality most of us fit somewhere in between.  Look at your answers and determine what are the things you want to do, that you find liberating and resonate with your truth.

For me I want to do the things I determined in question 5 because they come from my core values and interests.  I will  pay attention to the people I chose in question 7 (mostly family, friends and colleagues) and let the rest go.

When you think of your emotional response (to questions # 2 & #6) please note you are the same person with the same intrinsic value. You are the one who decided how you would feel in your answers—not others.

Attention and fame come and go … people come and go … your truth is eternal—visible or invisible.

As I was enjoying myself last week in the backyard, this blog was one of the thousands that were hacked. I didn’t take the issue seriously, thinking there was nothing for me to do.

Fast forward a few days and I get a serious threat warning from my virus protection program about my site.  That got my attention. My response to the situation was far from enlightened and peaceful. I went through four phases of reaction before I got things under control.

Curiosity: I wanted to understand what happened and why. I spent a long time online trying to figure out how to deal with it. I remained in a neutral state until I found out how much damage was done. Most of the files were plastered with hacking code.

Guilt and self blame: I felt guilty that I didn’t address the issue earlier when I was warned about it. I also started getting angry at myself for not taking precautions and backing up my data and system files. This didn’t help much and almost, without effort, I moved on to the next emotion

Frustration: I started feeling angry at the people who did this. I didn’t understand why someone would go through this to screw with other people’s sites and information. I felt I was needlessly wasting my time and energy.

Fear: Starting to work on fixing the issue, I got some stuff done right but in the process I screwed up other things. So my situation was heading from bad to better, to worse, to better then to worst—I wasn’t able to access the site at all. Fear set in and I started freaking out.

This is when I realized that I need to revise my approach in handling the problem.

What can you do when you keep digging yourself deeper?

After spending two days dealing with the hacking problem and my own mishaps, I can sum up the steps that eventually helped me get over myself and deal with the issue as follows:

1. Recognize that you have an issue.

Knowing that you have a problem, and choosing to deal with it is the first step.  You need to step up and be willing to take the necessary action. I learned this the hard way.

2. Avoid trying to understand why.

I wasted so much time trying to understand why people would hack into my site or other people’s work.  I will never know the real reason…I am not them.

This applies to a lot of things when we don’t understand why people do what they do. I don’t understand why people shoot each other, why people abuse spouses and children and why we damage our environment.  We don’t need to understand the whys of others; we can only focus on what we can do.

3. Go through the emotions.

It is normal to feel guilty and to blame yourself or others. With that comes a myriad of other feelings like anger, frustration and fear.

Allow the negativity to pass through you; don’t resist. Cry if you need to. Write about it. Or  simply sit, close your eyes and feel the emotion, imagining it passing through your body.

Suppressing the negative emotions doesn’t do you any good. It actually makes them stronger. This is one of the main culprits in making a situation worse.

4. Remember: things can be much worse.

I kept reminding myself that what I was going through was nothing in the larger scheme of things. I am alive after all and have the ability to deal with the situation.

Think of your worst nightmare when it comes to the issue you’re dealing with. Can you cope with that?

5. Do one thing at a time.

When faced with an unexpected problem, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. The best thing is to start dealing with one issue at a time.

In my case, most of the mess I made was because instead of focusing on removing the bad code, I started messing with plug-ins and other stuff that I didn’t need to deal with. In time,  I got the bad code removed then re-established the links, removed the plug-ins and so on.

6. Move a way from whatever you’re doing when things seem to get worse or you feel tired.

This is the most important and difficult thing to do.  It is hard to step away when you feel you made a bigger mess than the one you started with. You may not be able to resist the temptation to ride it out and keep going when you’re in the middle of a problem.

But trust me stepping away is the most effective thing you can do to move forward.

With time, your mind gets tired and even bored dealing with the same thing. You need a break. If you don’t take some time off, you are bound to make more mistakes or keep going in circles not accomplishing anything.

7. Go back to the issue with fresh eyes.

You will come with a pair of fresh eyes and a renewed focus. This is when you can tackle what is left of your problem with ease and a new perspective.

In my case I had to force myself to take a few breaks—I had to eat and sleep after all . I solved all of my issues (without exception) after the breaks.

8. Repeat steps 6 and 7.

Do the above two steps until you are done, even if it takes you days. Don’t think that you’re in a race against time. It doesn’t help; it only adds to your stress.

It took me a couple of days to deal with the hacking situation and that is fine. Things have a funny way of taking their time to get sorted out.

9. Determine what you can change.

Now that you have dealt with your situation, how can you do thing differently in the future to reduce the chances of the same problem happening again?  Notice that I said reduce and not eliminate.  Nothing you do is a 100% guarantee. If someone is set out to find a loophole, they will find one. Your role is to make it more difficult for the same problem to arise again.

After getting my site up and running again, I created a simple system to back-up my files. I also reset all of my passwords and removed all of the cookies.

10. Find the silver lining.

It is hard when you’re in the middle of painful situation to find the good in it. But once you’re done, take some time and reflect. We learn and grow from every experience.

I learned the importance of backing up databases and how to do it. I updated my  files, learned how deal with a hack attack…who would’ve thunk!

Everything we face in life is an experience. Some we enjoy and others not so much. The important thing is to remember is… it’s just another experience… it will pass.

Photo courtesy of sburke2478

The house is a mess. The fridge is sitting in the middle of the living room. The stove parked right next to it. The dining room table, chairs and everything else is stacked in the same room. The TV is blaring the latest headlines and bad news. An accompaniment of construction noise and workers shuffling about exacerbate the chaos.

This is what I have been dealing with at my parents’ house. It is a kitchen flooring renovation project that went from a one a half day to a nine day undertaking.

I sit with my laptop trying to get some work done. I have annual reports to review and financial information to analyze. I can’t think. Everything is loud and messy. I feel distracted, annoyed and frustrated. I can’t get anything done.

Then it hit me. Why am I doing this? Whatever I was doing was adding to the same negative state.

I realized that I need to find a way to shift from agitation to a calm state of mind. Otherwise, I’ll make my life and everyone else’s more miserable for no reason whatsoever.

How to find peace and stillness in challenging situations?

Be clear on what your number one priority is. The most logical thing for me was to go back and think of what is it that I’m trying to accomplish.

My number one priority is to be there to make sure the project is done. So this the only thing I need to do. Clarity brings things into focus and eases your anxiety.

Focus. Identifying your number one priority (in my case, the flooring project) will help you focus on the most important thing. I had scheduled this time off for the project.  I got greedy trying to squeeze in other things to do. It created unnecessary pressure and did not produce any positive results. Focusing on the number one priority, on the other hand, has amazing benefits.

Pay attention to this moment. Look around you and absorb your environment.  So what if the living room is the kitchen now? We can still eat and watch TV .

Observe your thoughts and gently bring your attention to what is in front of you now. Don’t worry about what if and what will or won’t happen. Everything is perfect at this moment—as it is meant to be.

Listen to the rhythm of life. Your attention will engage your senses in noticing the beautiful rhythmic beat of life. All the noise becomes part of a masterpiece of creation.  As I listened, the humming of the fridge synchronized well with the beat of the nail gun and the buzzing of the air pump. I could almost anticipate what’s next. This simple shift turned noise into a joyful celebration of sound.

Trust: allow things to happen and life to unfold. Things may work as planned, or may not. Allowing life to happen will reduce your inner resistance and suffering.

The flooring project did not go as planned. No matter how angry or frustrated I got, the results were going to be the same. My own resistance was rooted in fear of wasting time and compromising the quality of the work done. All I needed to do was remind myself that we chose the best people for the job. So quality wasn’t an issue. Worrying about time was a symptom of my desire to control the situation.

Trust that things will work out at the right time. Let go of the need to control the outcome and be OK with keeping things hanging for a while.  All that matters is happening at this moment.

Let yourself be. You don’t’ have to be super man or woman and do a gazillion things. If you are tired, so be it. You are getting the most important thing done.

I stopped trying to catch up on my work and chose to relax and focus on the project at hand. It is amazing how different things look and feel when you just let yourself enjoy them without the added pressure of what should or could be done.

Make the best of your experience. There is nothing wrong with just observing people and immersing yourself in the experience. Appreciate their skills and the way they do their work.

I witnessed the science and art of fixing and laying out flooring. The workers moved with ease and natural flow.

There is beauty and talent in everything we do, no matter how small or simple the job may be. Why not take the time to enjoy the chaos whenever you get a chance?

From early childhood, my parents instilled in me the importance of education. If you are not educated, you will not get a job and you will not be of value. I grew up feeling that my value is derived from good grades and later from a good paying job.

Other metrics of value were added to my own from what I learned over the years and from friends and family: If you are not thin, you will have a hard time finding love. If you don’t have a lot of money, you won’t be able to impact the world. If you don’t pay taxes, you are a burden to society. And so on.

Much later in life when I decided to leave my career behind and explore what life had in store for me, I realized that the metrics of value in our society are flawed. They are subjective and materialistic. I was the same person with or without my career and qualifications.

The contributions that we place most value on are the ones we can measure with money, like: building hospitals and schools or feeding thousands of starving children. There is nothing wrong with that and it’s admirable. But to think that the rest of humanity does not have an impact is false—plain and simple.

“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” ~Author Unknown

Our collective existence is what shapes our experiences. There are so many variables but none of which should create more value to a human life than others. Life in and of itself is all the validation we need.

Your material contribution

If we want to look at our lives from a materialistic and physical contribution standpoint, why not consider the following?

If you did not exist,

• your parents would spend less money
• the doctor and nurses who helped bring you to this world would not have been paid
• the retailers selling your food, clothing and toys would’ve earned less.
• throughout the years, doctors and clinics would’ve earned less because they didn’t treat you
• less books would be bought or borrowed and read
• less movies would be enjoyed, less games played or watched
• all the teachers you had in your schools would be compensated less. Same with college professors
• less cars would be bought, less distance traveled, less money spent on interests and life necessites.
• less food would be enjoyed, less candy consumed, less fun had
• less things would be broken, less things fixed
• less mess made, less cleanup
• less school fundraising cookies and candy bars sold, less received
• less small charitable work would be done, or less accepted from charity
• your parents would have less security because you wouldn’t be around to care for them as they age.

How about all the not so material contributions?

If you didn’t exist,

• your parents would not have experienced all the joy you’ve given them
• your siblings and friends lives would never be the same without you
• someone would’ve missed out on loving you
• someone would’ve missed out on being loved by you
• someone would’ve not been your son or daughter or niece or nephew
• someone would miss out on consoling you and being your best friend
• someone would not have a best friend who was there for them
• some pet would miss out on your love and kindness
• there would be less laughter in this world
• there would be less tears in this world
• the world would miss out on you singing in the shower
• the world will not hear the music you wanted to play or the words you wanted to say
• there will be no memories of you and how you were cherished
• there would be less fun to be had, less drama to be experienced
• there would be less joy and pain
• there would be less beauty expressed in your perfection and imperfection.

Add all of the contributions mentioned above, and then some, multiply your total by 6 billion people, and we have a world.

Your value is in being and all that comes with it.

Without you, life will be missing a piece, a dance…an expression.

We all will be forgotten one day after we are gone…

life will move on…

life will always be… but it won’t be the same.

Photo courtesy of impious

Stress is a killer, or so they say.  Our society condemns it as the price we have to pay for advancing in life. It is on the most wanted list of enemies we need to fight.

We spend so much time and energy trying to eliminate stress and win the battle. The struggle creates more frustration and pain instead of relieving the condition.

Stress is part of living. From the day we’re born we get exposed to various elements and stimuli.  It is the language our protective subconscious mind uses to warn us against change and potential threats. The body receives the signals and we experience higher blood pressure, heavier breathing, tightened muscles, sweating and so on.

Stress in and of itself is not a bad thing. The way we react to it is what can turn it into a health hazard.

When you feel any symptoms of stress, it is a sign that something is out of balance or simply different. The signal is just that: a warning. How you choose to feel and react is is up to you.

Instead of viewing stress as the enemy, why not think of it as a good friend who is trying to tell you something? Wouldn’t you want your best friend to be honest with you and let you know if something is wrong or needs your attention?

So how can you understand your friend better?

Find the root cause of stress. The first step in making stress your ally is to know the causes of your stress. What are the things that make you feel tense, anxious or agitated?

Is your stress related to situations in your life or is it just imagined from fearful thoughts and limited beliefs (guilty of both)?

The deeper you look for causes, the more successful you will be in finding a solution that is not reactive and that is for the higher good of all.

Weigh your options. Recognize that you have a choice in how you handle a stressful situation.

Let’s say somebody cut you off in traffic. You immediately felt agitated and ready to burst. You have a choice of going after the person who caused this or using all sorts of abusive language  OR you can recognize that it’s not personal and take a deep breath, smile and keep going on your merry way.

The choice is yours. This is easier said than done. I am still working on this one. We can start with small steps and get better with practice.

Take action to change what you can. There are situations that induce stress that you can do something about. For example, if the clutter in your home is causing you stress, you can start implementing a daily routine that gradually eliminates the clutter and keeps your space neat.

If you avoid taking action, you prolong the problematic situation and that will manifest in physical discomfort, or worse, serious health issues.

Take action when you can. Thank your stress for pointing out what you need to deal with.

Accept what is if you can’t change it. If you identify a cause of stress (such as a negative work environment) and you can’t change it at the moment, learn to accept it. Try to find the positive in your work place and shift your focus away from the negative.

Surrendering to what is can have a calming effect that will give you strength and insight. Resistance and anger only breed more of the same.

See the humanity in yourself and others. We are all human and we make mistakes. A simple shift in perspective can change your response to a situation. Allow the pain, anger or fear to pass. Observe and feel the emotion without judgment.

We all have crosses to bear and sometimes we may not choose the best words or course of action.  Accepting our humanity helps us in becoming more forgiving and letting go.

Become more present. If you stress over fearful thoughts of what might be (such as fear of death, losing a job, self doubt), bring your attention to the present moment.

We can only deal with what is in front of us right now. We can’t predict the future, nor prevent certain things from happening. Accepting our limitations and focusing our attention on what can be done right now is all we can do.

Relax. Your friend stress might be telling you that you work too much, worry a lot and don’t take time for yourself. If this is the case you need to incorporate a time of relaxation into your daily routine.

Give your self time to get grounded and rejuvenate.

My favorite relaxing techniques include: meditation, stretching, a warm bath, playing music and watching engaging and funny TV shows.

I found a couple of blog posts that you can use for ideas. I intend to try more of the things listed. The important thing is to do something for yourself that makes you feel good.

100 Ways to Relax, Unwind and Loosen Up

40 Ways To Relax and Recharge Your Batteries

Turning stress into a loyal trusted friend that you can have a good insightful conversation with is one of the best ways to have more peace and keep things in perspective.

Feeling overwhelmed is like drowning in a sea of things to do and expectations to meet. We can’t keep our head above water.

The natural impulse most of us have in response to feeling overwhelmed is to freeze.

We stop in our tracks. We can’t seem to do anything. It is the exact opposite of rushing. When we allow ourselves to get overwhelmed by all of life’s demands, we turn to procrastination.

More days go by and more things pile up. The overwhelming cycle never ends and we continue to struggle.

Why do we feel overwhelmed?

In order to move forward, we need to understand how we got there in the first place.  The feeling doesn’t happen overnight. It is a gradual process where things creep up on you until you feel you can’t handle it any more.

In my view, reaching this stage is the result of two factors.

1. Indecision. When you can’t decide what is important to you, you don’t know what you want to do and what you want to ignore. Everything is in your face all the time. This is where it all begins.

2. Resistance to what needs to be done. Postponing or ignoring something because you don’t like it, doesn’t mean it’s going away. The nagging adds more to your resistance and struggle.

How feeling overwhelmed affects us

Feeling overwhelmed is a sign of feeling that things are out of your control. You may experience the following:

• Feeling like a victim and not taking responsibility. If things are out of your control, then you must be a victim of something more powerful than you.  Once you are in victim mode, you strip yourself of any desire to create what you want in life.
• Inner struggle. The continued nagging and negativity eat away at you. You can’t feel peaceful when you struggle with a lot of stuff.
• Avoidance. This is a big one. When you don’t deal with your stressful feelings you tend to avoid the situations that cause the emotion. Avoidance usually spreads like wild fire and before you know it, you start avoiding life.
• Negative self image. When you don’t achieve results, you reinforce limiting beliefs of lack of self worth and not deserving success. You dig yourself deeper into self loathing and despair.
• Physical manifestations as a result of stress and frustration. Negativity generates more negativity that affects your mind and body. You feel worn out even without doing anything.

How can you move past the paralyzing situation?

If you recognize that you feel overwhelmed and are not moving forward you can start with the following:

Awareness. This is the first step towards any positive change in your life.

• Go with the feeling. What does your body tell you when you feel overwhelmed?
• Pick one thing that you want to do and say it out loud (e.g. I need to do my taxes). Are you feeling that you can’t do it?  Where do you feel it in your body?
• Close your eyes and let the feeling take you over for a moment. Allow the feeling to move through you. It will subside if you don’t resist it.
• Say it again: I need to do my taxes. Smile and tell yourself that it will get done just like you have done it every other year or that you will make a fresh start this year. Don’t think about the how you’re going to do it now.
• Repeat this step with all the things that come to mind.

Don’t worry about how long it will take. You were not doing anything anyway. You might as well spend time to neutralize the negative emotions. This is a HUGE step forward.

Prioritization. With awareness comes the recognition that you can’t do everything at the same time.  You have to start with ONE thing and one thing only.  When we can’t decide what to do it means we don’t know what is important to us at this moment.  Start with what is REALLY important to you.

Break it down. This is where you break down what you chose as your priority into small manageable portions. Write down all the steps you have to do. If your priority was to file your income taxes, your first step is: buying the software and installing it. The second step would be: gathering the receipts. Now you are rolling. Continue doing one thing at a time.

Commit to completion. Nothing is more painful than having something half done or unfinished. If you have to stop because you are waiting for something or someone, make sure that this shows up daily on your list until you complete it. Otherwise it will stay in your mind and nag at you.

Do not take on any new tasks or projects. Complete one thing before adding a new one so your list doesn’t grow. Even better: commit to getting two things done before allowing a new item to come in. This will gradually reduce the size of your list.

You always have a choice. In the larger scheme of things recognize that you always have a choice. You can do something and take it off  your mental and physical list or you can choose to ignore it and live with the consequences.  Either way, you need to make peace with your decision, otherwise, you will struggle.

Photo courtesy of soupboy

There are situations where we continue to resist making a decision. The protective part of the brain is trying to keep the status quo.

What we don’t realize is: safety has a price.

The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision. – Maimonides

The cost of indecision may not be easily quantified. But it is felt every time we are faced with the need to make a decision.  Here is a personal example of the cost of indecision.

My blogging story
I started a blog back in 2002 when blogs were still new. I did it for a few months then stopped. I didn’t want to think about my content or how to expand the blog.

Move forward a few months: I deleted the blog.

I repeated this process at least five more times until 2009.

One might think I didn’t want to start a blog.  If I did it once or twice and moved on, then that would have been fine. But this self torture of redoing and undoing was not a positive experience. The only thing I learned from it was: I REALLY wanted to start a blog but I played it safe.

Putting my money where my heart is
Last year I started this blog. I did it differently this time. I chose to pay for hosting and reserved a name.  I became more motivated to make it work because, unlike other times, I made an investment.

I wrote for four months with a few readers. Now what?
If I repeated my old pattern, I would just pack it in and call it a day. It is the safest thing to do.

Instead I joined a blogging boot-camp offered by two of the bloggers I admire the most. I put myself out there. I participated and made the best out of this intensive five day journey. I made new friends who share the same desire to have a successful blog.

Putting more money, time and effort into creating this blog reinforces my commitment and motivates me to keep going.

What did my indecision cost me?

• Time: I repeated the same process of starting-up, design and topic choice many times.
• Energy: Starting blogs and writing took thought and effort.
• Missed opportunity: I could have used this time to do something else. Better yet, I could have learned more about blogging.
• Mental and emotional stress: This is the most significant cost. The constant mental nagging created a state of dissatisfaction and perpetuated more negative thoughts and limiting beliefs.

The above cost is not measurable in financial terms but it is more expensive than trying, learning and failing.

When we make decisions (right or wrong), we learn and grow with every experience. When we freeze in our tracks we remain where we are, or worse, we are left behind.

Is it OK to want to be where you are?
If you are content with your current status then it’s perfectly fine. But if you have a desire to do something and don’t want to take any more risks, then you are stagnating and will continue to struggle with indecision.

In order to move forward, we need to accept where we are without beating ourselves up. What matters is:  we are here and willing to start now.

You might find the following questions helpful in trying to figure out what’s holding you back. Reflect on your answers. Allow your intuition to guide you.

Do you still want to do it and why?
If it is something that keeps nagging at you, then there is a desire in you to do it. The next step is to figure out why you want to do it. The reason behind it will uncover your true passion which can be a motivation by itself.

What is stopping you?
Examine the excuses you’ve been telling yourself: not good enough, don’t know much, have nothing of value to offer, don’t have enough money, too old, too young… you get the picture.

How are you going to deal with your excuses?
Most of the obstacles we create are a result of limiting beliefs and conditioning. The simplest way to overcome them is just to start moving. If it is money or physical abilities, explore what you can do about it. The resources will reveal themselves when you start looking.

What is the worst that can happen if you fail completely?
Imagine the worst case scenario. How much money would you lose? How bad are you going to look? Are you going to be humiliated…Can you live with that? Is the experience worth it?

Where can you start today?
Determine what you can do NOW and start moving. A small step is all you need.

As you continue to move forward, you will feel less of your inner resistance. Your experience will motivate you to overcome indecision.

Yesterday I woke up feeling good and rested. I turned on my computer and noticed my wireless connection wasn’t on. Several attempts to re-establish a connection failed and with every attempt my frustration grew. I felt a wave of anger running through me faster than I could comprehend.

A darkness descended on me. I was ready to bitch and blame anything and everyone. I started looking around the room for more things to get mad about. I felt things were out of control and the only option for me was anger.

The speed with which my mood changed was scary. Part of me was trying to figure out what was happening inside my head. But the ingrained reactive behavior was faster and smarter.

My resistance to the feelings added insult to injury. There was this inner voice that kept telling me to take it easy, it’s just an internet connection and my behavior and feelings were not acceptable for someone working on being in a state of inner peace and calm.

Luckily for me there was no one around. So there was no one to take it out on.  After a few minutes, I started to write. I took it out of my system. I complained and allowed all the negativity to come out on paper.

It took me a while to feel calm again. What I’ve learned from this experience can be summed up below.

• Allow: When you feel upset, allow the feeling to go through you. Fighting it makes it stronger.
• Judge not: Realize that we have lots of conditioning that is hard to change. You are doing the best you can at the moment. Do not judge yourself.
• No Whys: Do not try to figure out why you are feeling the negative emotion. It adds to your mental stress, which doesn’t help.
• Opportunity: Peace and calm are part of the journey not the destination. So with every situation, there is an opportunity for learning and growth. Embrace it.
• Meaning: Don’t take it out on someone else. Feeling crappy is a reaction to the meaning you attributed to an event. It has nothing to do with others.
• Get Physical: Take out your anger in a physical form if you can. Use a punching bag or go for a walk.
• Write: If you don’t feel like getting physical, start writing or typing. Don’t think about grammar or spelling. This is talking on paper. Keep writing until there is nothing you can think of.  Once done, delete the document or throw out the paper with the intention of letting go.
• Breathe!

Controlling thoughts and emotions is not an easy task. Recognizing our thoughts and managing our emotions are steps in the right direction.

“This only is denied even to God: the power to undo the past. ~Agathon”

Don’t you wish there was an UNDO button to the actions you have taken just like the option in your word processor or photo editor?

You would think by now we would know that it is impossible to undo what’s done. Yet we spend so much time trying to work with the decisions we have made and actions we took knowing fair well that it’s not what we want to do at the moment.

How many times did you wear something you hated just because you bought it and feel you HAVE to use it?

How many times have you tried to use a tool that wasn’t suitable but you keep trying anyway?

A couple of years ago we sold our business assets and were left with some stuff. There was a lot of paper, labels and an expensive laser color printer. I kept trying to use the paper in all sorts of ways: making my own notepads, printing notices for our strata council and using it to scribble notes and ideas. The thing is I am not a paper person. I like to write mostly on my computer. So I was derailing myself by creating uses for something that I don’t want to use.

Think of how much time and energy we spend trying to justify or fix something we did?

What is done is done. We  simply can’t UNDO anything. But we can take whatever consequence, deal with it and then move on.

As an example I have decided to put all the fancy paper in one package and list it on craigslist. I won’t get more than fraction of its cost and that’s the consequence of buying too much paper in the first place. I will also sell the printer at a steep discount.

Accept that you made a mistake. Consider the positives instead of the negatives of the situation. Making mistakes is part of life. It means you are not playing it safe. Admitting this fact and choosing to move forward is an act of courage.

Explore the reasons behind your actions and decisions. How much of the action you find yourself taking is an attempt to UNDO the results of  previous actions that were taken out of fear, reaction, revenge, or ego rather than a genuine desire to do something?

If you ignore the reason behind your actions (usually negative mental and emotional habits), you are bound to repeat the pattern.

Do what needs to be done to eliminate the constant nagging. If it’s something you bought, sell it at a discount or give it away. If it is something you did or said to yourself or someone, apologize sincerely and ask for forgiveness.

Let go. There is nothing more you can do. Regretting what’s done won’t change it one bit. Trying to fix things can make them worse.

To be free of past decisions and actions is liberating. You will have the mental and emotional space to choose for yourself meaningful action that reflects your inner values and desires instead of guilt or regret.