What do people mostly regret on their deathbed?

I’ve been thinking about what I would regret. Today I invite you to take a look at the most common regrets below and reflect on how they impact you.

What do people regret most?

A nurse who spent many years in palliative care working with patients for the last few weeks of their lives recorded the most common five regrets people had. Here they are:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Don’t you agree that when people near the end, the fog lifts and they see with clarity what’s important?

No life goes to waste. We can learn from each other and from the wisdom of our fellow humans who left this world before us.

What can we learn from the list of regrets?

As you can see from the above list, there is no mention of home maintenance or crazy adventures—no sky diving or wild nights. These are basic truths: to live authentically and freely, to be happy and content and to be connected to the people who are important to us.

From my experience I can tell you that the things that matter the most to us can be counted on one hand (or two max). Looking at the list above, I found three main points that can make a big difference for the rest of our lives.

1. Living truthfully

This means that we live by our rules and do our thing. We don’t act out of guilt, fear of being different or to prove a point. To be truthful is to accept who we are and do what works for us—regardless of societal expectations and pressures.

This is probably one of the hardest things to do on the face of this planet. I still struggle with self acceptance. And as a result, I find myself doing things to comply with outside expectations or not expressing how I feel.

It takes courage and a whole lot of awareness to follow one’s truth.

Who you are + aligned action = your truth

Who you are is the sum of everything that is uniquely you—what you like/dislike, your gifts and talents, your interests and what you value most.

When we’re true to ourselves, we can’t help but act in a way that reflects genuinely who we are. In this case we pursue our passions and do work that matters to us. We love what we do and in the process contribute to society in the most authentic and meaningful way.

2. Genuine connections

This means focusing on the relationships that nourish our hearts and souls. Again, I think a handful (or two) of meaningful connections is all we need.

The type of connection is different for each person. It can be people from one’s childhood, or from recent encounters and experiences.

Meaningful relationships are the ones that endure and last beyond dysfunction and human frailty. They serve a purpose in our lives. They add beauty (maybe pain sometimes) but most definitely, they help us grow.

Relationships need to be regularly tended to and occasionally mended in order to flourish. This is where we fall short most of the times.

The best practice is to make it a priority to stay in touch and to deal with issues as they arise. It takes sincere desire and effort to keep relationships alive, especially in these fast paced days.

3. Happiness (contentment) by choice

Another tough one. The first step to a contented life is an authentic way of living, not worrying about what others think.

Then comes the feedback/reaction loop. We’re programmed to react to outside influences. It’s very hard to choose to be content when faced with conflict and challenges. But we can do it, because we always have a choice.

We don’t have to get angry, we choose to. We can laugh instead of fuming with anger.

We don’t have to react, we choose to. We can choose not to do anything when we perceive negativity coming our way.

To be happy is to live truthfully. To choose to be happy is to internally focus on the gifts of life and being.

How do we choose to be happy?

We just do. Make a choice, moment by moment, experience by experience, thought by thought to be okay with who we are and what we’re doing. This means we shift into a high gear of awareness before the automatic ego driven reactions kick in. It takes strength and a lot of practice.

I am not there yet. I have a lot of residual programming that takes me to negativity before I think about it. What I found most helpful is to take notice.

The moment I wake up for example I feel tired and want to just hide under the sheets. Then I ask myself a simple question: what are you dreading? I then follow with: what are you looking forward to? The second answer usually shows me that I have more things to look forward to than dread, which boosts my mood.

Any activity that can help us center our thoughts and emotions will allow for more contentment and less misery. Consider:

• Meditating with a smile on your face
• Free writing to take out any negativity
• Relaxing activities like stretching/yoga, taking a bath or just a few deep breaths

Choose to be happy, and practice to be happy and you will be happy.

It seems that the most important things that we regret are really simple but not easy … but not impossible either.

So dear friends please take the time to think about what you would regret. It’s not too late to start now and make the best out of the rest of your life.

Stay truthful. Be happy.

PS Today was supposed to be the day I promised to release a book. It didn’t happen. I’m way behind —no excuses. I underestimated the time and effort required and the tyranny of resistance. For that I’m truly sorry. I will share what I learned from this experience with you. And I’m going to do my best to release the book soon. Thank you for being here … I love you!

Am I worth it?

This is the question I ask myself when a new opportunity or challenge comes up. And I believe I’m not the only one asking this question.

Feeling that we’re not worthy is one of the most pervasive issues I’ve come across. Lack of self worth—maybe in varying degrees—is not confined to certain cultures or boarders.

The feeling of unworthiness can manifest in various problematic ways. Consider these:

Self doubt: When we feel unworthy, we start to doubt our abilities to achieve anything. And if we can’t do anything, we feel we don’t deserve anything.

Distorted view of contribution: If I can’t see my value, I won’t be able to see the value of anything I’m offering to the world.

Misguided measure of others’ value: I won’t be able to see the value of others and what they contribute if I’m blind to my own value.

Constant need for validation and approval: We need others to prove to us that we’re worthy because we can’t see it in ourselves. But even when we get validation, it’s short lived because deep down, we don’t believe it.

Self sabotage: When I don’t think I can do anything, or I’m not worthy of anything, my subconscious mind is going to provide all the reasons and excuses for me not to follow through.

Procrastination and/or perfectionism: If I can’t get anything right, I’ll keep postponing working on it. And if I manage to start I’ll find fault every step of the way so that nothing gets finished.

Self worth is not just about our perception of our self. It’s about how we see value in the world.

Why do we feel unworthy?

The feelings result from situations where we were let down, made fun of, rejected, criticized, felt neglected, and so on. The root causes for each one of us are different.

The common denominator is that we took certain experiences and feedback and made a general statement. And we turned it into a mantra: I’m not worth it or I have nothing of value to offer.

Then we repeated the mantra till it became carved in our subconscious mind as a truth, i.e. a belief.

How to deal with lack of self worth

You can address issues of self worth by finding the root cause of the belief and then negating it.

“Self-worth comes from one thing — thinking that you are worthy.” Wayne Dyer

Today I want to propose a different approach—one that works with numbers. Just like we have a financial net worth, we’re going to create a statement of self net worth. Instead of thinking that you are worthy, you will see that you are worthy.

In financial terms net worth is equal to your assets (what you own) minus your liabilities (what you owe).

Net worth = assets – liabilities

So if you have let’s say $3,000 in your bank and you have $500 in credit card debt, your net worth would be $2,500. This is a very simple example. It gets  more complicated if you own a home with a mortgage, own a car, have student loans and other kinds of debt and investments or retirement accounts. But the concept is the same.

As you probably know, money is just an arbitrary symbol that we humans decided to use as a medium of exchange. So when it comes to self value we’re going to arbitrarily choose points. Here is the breakdown of our points system:

What’s out of your control: 1 Point

Things you like (or dislike) about yourself that are genetic (i.e. you can’t do anything about them) like your height, skin color, your nose shape and so on.

This also includes limitations from injury, accidents and illness.

The limitation is one point but overcoming it would be under your control and that’s 5 points.

Things  you can control: 5 points

Things you like (or dislike) about yourself that you can change. For example, being overweight without any medical problems, being a procrastinator, not eating healthy, following your dreams, and so on.

This also includes character and values, your achievements, failures, and experiences that impacted you.

Intrinsic capital: 1,000 points ??

This is the value of being … of existing right here and now. Being alive is the foundation of our entire existence, without it we won’t be having this conversation. How many points is that worth?

Remember that the odds of being born at the exact time and genetic makeup are estimated to be 1:400,000,000,000 (one in 400 trillion). What value can you put on that? I added 1000 arbitrarily. Quite honestly I feel it should be 400 trillion points!

This is value from the cosmic bank sent straight to your beautiful one of a kind self—with no strings attached.

An example of self net worth

This is a hypothetical example:

Assets (what I like about myself)

Physical

• I have beautiful hands: 1
• I like my nose: 1
• I’m at my ideal weight: 5

Non physical

• Graduated college: 5
• Got my real estate license: 5
• I’m loyal: 5
• I love what I do: 5
• I survived a bear attack: 5
• I complete what I start: 5

Total assets: 37

Liabilities (what I don’t like about myself)

Physical

• I’m too short: 1
• I have oily skin: 1
• Neck pain due to pinched nerve: 1
• I don’t exercise: 5

Non physical

• I haven’t started on my novel: 5
• I’m shy and don’t speak up: 5
• I procrastinate: 5
• I envy others sometimes: 5

Total liabilities: 28

Self net worth

• Assets – liabilities: 9
• Add: Intrinsic capital: 1,000

Total self net worth: 1,009

Is this really a smart way of looking at self worth?

You might think this exercise is stupid; there is no way I can put numbers on my value. And I agree; it is as absurd as using money as a medium of exchange. But it’s a way that we can see for ourselves what we like and dislike about ourselves in plain sight on paper.

You can choose to remove the numbers all together and just keep a list.

Using your statement of self net worth

A few pointers here to get the best results out of this experiment.

Update it on a regular basis.

When you start this exercise you may not remember all the positives and negatives that linger in the back of your mind. So it’s very important that you become aware of self worth thoughts as they come up and add them to your list.

Write them down as you think of them, and keep reviewing your list on a regular basis.

Most of us are probably better at coming up with things we don’t like more than the things we like. It’s important to keep track of anything positive that you do and add it to your list.

It’s really personal.

This is a very personal document so I wouldn’t encourage you to share it—unless you want constructive feedback from someone who can help you.

What you like or don’t like about yourself is your view. So some of the things you think are true about yourself might be distorted. If in doubt, ask someone you trust about the particular issue and see if they agree with you or not.

Use your self net worth for motivation.

The points I added are arbitrary and in all honesty being here trumps all the other assets and liabilities. But the good thing about having this list is that it will get you to see what you think. And maybe do something about the things you can change.

If your weight bugs you, you can start eating healthier. If  you’ve been longing to write your book, you can begin writing.

At any given point you can turn liabilities under your control into assets by choosing and acting differently.

The bottom line is no matter where you look and what you add to your list, you will have a positive self net worth, if for nothing else, it’s for existing in this wondrous world.

As you read these words always remember that you are worthy of all you desire. Life loves you and that’s why you’re here—deserving of all that’s good in life and then some.

“Poor is the man who does not know his own intrinsic worth and tends to measure everything by relative value. A man of financial wealth who values himself by his financial net worth is poorer than a poor man who values himself by his intrinsic self worth.” ~Sidney Madwed

Photo courtesy of la_bella_polenesiana

Does anyone really miss us when we don’t show up on twitter or facebook for a few days, a month or more?

I have been cutting down on my online presence in social media lately. And I don’t think I’m being missed much. I’m fading from the virtual social memory.

Who would miss you online? And how much do (or should) you care?

Who will truly miss you?

I’ve noticed that the only people who miss me are the ones I know in real life, my friends, mostly childhood friends who live far away. They check in every now and then. But honestly they can ask me straight by phone or email instead of facebook.

The rest of the people in my online circles are busy with their lives and that’s perfectly fine. I haven’t been paying much attention either.

The thing that I question is: how important is our online presence, and how far are we willing to go to maintain it? Or is it okay for part of our digital self to fade away?

Relationships vs. virtual connections

Relationships, like our existence, have a lifespan. How long they last depends on the nature and depth of the connection.

In real life the most lasting relationships are the ones that grow organically.

If we look back, the relationships that we formed when we were kids came from relatives, schoolmates and neighbors. Our relationships revolved around our community.

The same applies to adulthood as well. We develop relationships at college/university or at work. On occasion we might meet someone through a mutual friend or family member or at a gathering.

Our relationships continue to evolve as we move and grow. We gain more friends, and we forget about some and they forget about us—over the years.

Then came the internet.

With the internet, we started a new type of connections, the virtual kind. Sometimes my ego gets confused and perceives online interactions as deep as actual personal friendships.

We might develop a strong bond with someone online, but unless we’re willing to take it to a new level of meeting in person face to face and physically being part of each other’s life, we will forget about them and they’ll forget about us.

I met a group of wonderful people online. But we subsequently met in person and developed a strong friendship. I don’t think we would’ve maintained a meaningful relationship just being online.

Faster technology = shallower connections

The advancement in connectivity has been staggering. The emergence of social media created an illusion of a better human connection. How can we maintain a better connection when the trends keep changing faster and faster?

My Space used to be the thing and now facebook and twitter are all the rage. Then came Google +, Instagram and Pinterest. What’s next? Who knows!

And we try each one, build a social circle, then jump to the next new thing. How much depth and meaning do we have in such interactions? Not much.

Social media is not that social

Social media can be useful for some purposes but it is not a viable option for friendships and genuine connections—unless the relationship is moved to the real world.

I don’t really hundreds of fiends on twitter. I won’t have that many real friends over a life time, let alone a few years. With the exception of a few friends, these are followers who happen to read some of what I share but they will move on to the next thing when the time comes.

The true purpose of social media

In the beginning twitter and facebook used to be about people connecting with people, just like them. But as they grew and became popular the purpose shifted. Right now the way I see the role of social media is one or more of the following:

• A marketing mechanism—businesses promote their brands and engage their customers to develop products and services. This includes sharing one’s own writing and ideas.
• An entertainers’/celebrities’ platform—they (or their representatives) can interact with their fans and promote their work or causes.
• A source of entertainment—people share stuff they saw, read or heard, similar to digg, delicious and stumble upon.
• A way to pursue an interest—you might be able to find something that you want to learn or interact with people who share the same interest, similar to forums and groups.
• An accidental/fringe purpose— a group can rally countrymen and women to start a revolution or support a cause.

All of the above are perfectly fine. As long as we’re aware of the nature of the medium and its use, we won’t have unrealistic expectations of long lasting virtual friendships.

This leads me to conclude that I don’t need to be on social media much, other than to share my writing and answer relevant questions. So it’s more than okay to fade away and step out of the ever changing social media.

If you have similar feelings and experiences, I hope you give your precious time and energy to what matters to you. Use social media for your specific purpose and fade away when it comes to all the hype and noise.

We’re all much better off focusing on our real relationships.

Photo courtesy of Stephen Wolfe

A man convinced of his own merit will accept misfortune as an honor, for thus can he persuade others, as well as himself, that he is a worthy target for the arrows of fate.” ~ François de la Rochefoucauld

Sometimes things don’t work out as planned or intended. Events can turn very quickly and change the course of our lives. A rejection, an illness, a biased action can turn our world upside down.

A twist in fate can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. Actress Julia Roberts accepted the role in Pretty Woman (which launched her career) after it was declined by many better-known actresses at the time. This is not exclusive to movie stars. We all experience unforeseen twists and turns that make a huge difference in our lives.

The question is: How do you respond as events unfold?

A challenge that changed my life

Today I want to share with you an experience when I first started my career as a public (chartered) accountant that influenced my life to this day.

I joined an audit firm as a junior associate shortly after graduating. It so happened that another person was hired to start on the same day. She came highly recommended by one of the partners. Needless to say she was given more attention by the senior in charge.

I ended up bouncing around from one job to the next just doing what needed to be done. There were times when I would just go to a client for a day.

When you’re training and trying to learn, continuity is important. Otherwise you end up with a lot of small pieces that don’t make any sense.

This lasted for a few months. One day we started as a group of 5 on a new job. I barely got settled when one of us was required back at the office for another job. Without hesitation the senior sent me—again.

I felt angry and frustrated. I was never going to learn anything or be given a chance to prove myself. The senior promised that it’s just for a day and he’ll deal with it.

Come next day I saw him in the office; he didn’t bring up the issue at all. I confronted him; he pleaded ignorance. After a heated exchange (mostly from me towards him) I left for the new job. And I got a warning from the partner in charge that if I kept it up, I would be without a job very soon.

I was apprehensive about starting a new job. I felt I’m going to get moved around again. Except this time it didn’t happen. The job was a small investment company. I worked directly with a manager (a higher position than a senior). As I got a chance to work with him directly, without the distorted feedback from others, I was able to prove that I was capable. I didn’t even try. Everything just worked out well naturally and effortlessly.

That job is what made me fall in love with investing and analysis. It stopped others from moving me around and I started getting more work that I really enjoyed. I became an analyst many years later because of this experience.

The senior did me a huge favor by sending me back to the office. In retrospect I should’ve thanked him instead of yelling at him.

A twist in fate can be your friend or teacher

Fate might appear as an adversary wreaking havoc on your work, your health, wellbeing or relationships. At the depth of fate, however, is an opportunity for growth and awakening—for a change in direction and perspective.

Regardless of the nature of the situation, you can choose how to respond and what to do. Here are a few thoughts on the subject.

1. Resistance is futile

When fate hits, you really don’t have a choice other than to roll with it. You can fight it all you want. But things are going to happen with or without your consent.

I was meant to be bounced around and I was meant to go to that job. I could’ve fought, yelled and screamed all I wanted. It wouldn’t have made a difference. I could’ve rejected going to the other job and quit all together but that would’ve been to my own detriment.

Trusting that what’s happening is for a better experience or opportunity is more effective than rejecting the challenge or complaining.

“Fate leads the willing and drags along the unwilling.” ~Seneca

2. Don’t over think

Looking back at the experience I shared with you I did overanalyze the situation. I convicted myself that the senior in charge was biased against me. I kept thinking about what would happen next. I was worried that I wouldn’t learn and prove myself.

The thing is no one can take away your abilities. Had I been more aware, I would’ve known that sooner or later the opportunity would come for me to prove myself. And if it didn’t, then I wasn’t meant to be there in the first place.

Our mind is very skilled in coming up with worst case scenarios, but hardly brings up the best case scenarios. So it’s crucial that we deliberately break the cycle of worry and what can go wrong and balance it with what can go right.

3. Listen to your gut feeling, not ego

Your intuition or gut feeling knows what’s best for you. No one knows you better than you. The important thing is to be able to quiet the noise of the mind and the ego and listen to the deeper voice within.

How can you tell if it’s your ego or your intuition talking to you? There are some distinctions in your emotional response and your thoughts that set the two apart.

Anger vs. calm: If you feel angry with smoke coming out of your head, stop. This is the ego talking. Acting from this state will most likely result in things you will regret.

If you feel something in your heart and stomach area, listen carefully. This soft voice is your own intuition letting you know that you’re fine and things will turn out okay. This is the part of you that knows what’s best without pretense or fear.

Revenge vs. what’s right: The ego wants to get even. Intuition wants you to do what’s right for you without harming others. It’s not about what others did or said. It’s about how you can deal with the situation in a way that serves you better.

Worrying about proving a point or payback will suck more energy than it’s worth in short-lived validation. It’s much better to focus on what you can do to help yourself grow and move forward. This will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Fear vs. trust: The ego flares up when threatened. You immediately kick into defensive mode wanting to protect your image. The ego reacts impulsively without thinking much about the long-term consequences.

Intuition trusts and looks at the bigger picture. It reflects and determines what the best possible outcome is.

A mix of ego and intuition is the typical response. In most cases we get feedback from the ego and intuition at the same time. So our response is usually a blend of the two.

The more awakened we become, the more we trust our intuition and ignore the ego. As a start, make a conscious effort to calm your mind and reflect before you act.

As I look at the story I shared with you above, my ego was aggressively confronting the senior in charge. When I moved to the next job and I had time to calm down, I let go of my thoughts and moved with what felt right—and that’s when things started falling into place.

The biggest lesson I learned from twists of fate is that I need to trust a bit more in my gut feeling and that everything works out in the end.

It’s not about courage or recklessness, getting even or being appreciated. It’s about moving forward in the direction that feels right and not being resistant to change course as fate dictates. Sometimes things turn out better than we ever imagined.

“How a person masters his fate is more important than what his fate is.” ~ Karl Wilhelm von Humboldt

Photo courtesy of cazstar

Don’t take things personally. It’s not you; it’s me. Don’t read too much into it. It’s not about you, it’s about them.

I’ve heard (and said) those statements in situations that required an explanation of my actions or someone else’s actions.

How should we react to other people’s unexpected actions as they relate to us? Should we care or not care? Is it personal?

The ideal response would be that we shouldn’t care and we shouldn’t take things personally. But that would be a lie. Sometimes we can’t help but care and in most cases things are personal as they relate to us—not the other person.

And the more invested we are in a relationship, the more personal things get.

In day to day living the lines of importance get blurred. We magnify a negative situation that is really not that important. Or we dismiss the painful feelings that come up from an important relationship, only for them to haunt us and keep resurfacing.

What we need is to awaken the sensor within and deal with each experience in a way that’s best for us—realizing that it is personal.

If things are personal, how can we manage our reaction to the negative outcome?

I’d like to share with you a few examples of situations that happened to me. For each situation I will talk about my own interpretation and action.

As you can see these situations vary in importance. The response I added was what I ended up doing, not necessarily what my first impulse was.

Twitter un-follow

Someone un-followed you on twitter with another gazillion people because they decided to clean up their list. It’s their account; they can do what they want.

Interpretation: From the point of view of the person who was un-followed it is kinda personal. You were lumped with others so you never made a lasting impression on the person. Or most likely you never made an impression at all.

He or she probably never read anything you shared. You were considered part of the collective noise or distraction.

Action: If you’re still interested in the person’s message, then do nothing. Just continue following them. If you were following out of reciprocity it would be a good time to un-follow the person. I did both with different people.

With social media things happen so fast. Within a few days you won’t really remember most of it.

Being blocked on Facebook

A friend (someone I knew personally) not only un-friended me on Facebook but blocked me without giving any reason. All I knew was that the person disappeared, only to find out later that it wasn’t the case. I was being blocked.

Interpretation: It is Personal. It could be for a number of reasons. It could be that I said or did something that upset them. Or it could be that they upset themselves and blamed me. Or could be that they thought removing me would simplify their life. I couldn’t come up with one reason for blocking me though.

Action: My first reaction was utter dismay. I felt like someone had a restraining order against me and I wasn’t even in the same city. Then I felt angry and disrespected. I wasn’t even worth an explanation.

It was tempting to want to ask for an explanation, but I didn’t. There was no point. Whatever reason they would give was going to be a justification that wouldn’t change the outcome.

I wrote and reflected on the whole thing and took out all of my anger, frustration and bewilderment on paper. It’s the best release. Then I let it go.

The biggest lesson I learned was to trust that things do sort themselves out. They usually do without much effort on your part. This relationship was meant to end.

Someone on the highway honks at you and makes an obscene gesture

You were driving minding your own business and this person wanted to change lanes and you didn’t let them. They cut you off angrily and expressed their frustration.

Interpretation: The driver was mad, but would he/she be equally mad and do the same thing if you were driving a big vehicle with tinted windows? What if you were a police officer in a police cruiser? Would they do the same thing?

Most likely not. So it’s not personal in the sense that they don’t know you as an individual. But it’s personal in the sense that they feel they can get away with expressing their frustration the way they did.

Action: Laugh it off and remind yourself that such actions are truly a reflection of someone’s ego flaring up. There is no need for your own ego to get involved. The battle of the egos is a lose-lose game—no one wins.

Not getting a raise when it’s due

This happened when I was still working at a large audit firm. While driving (instead of an official meeting in the office), the partner told me that he was satisfied with my performance but there were a few issues I needed to work on.

I simply asked what they were. The answer I got was a clear indication that this wasn’t about improving. It was about finding a reason for not giving me a raise.

He blamed me for a client’s shortcomings. There was nothing I can do about that and there was no lesson for me.

Interpretation: I took it very personally. I felt that it was not fair and that there were politics behind the decision. It was like the partners didn’t care if I was happy or not. It was a financial decision that suited them.

Action: After giving the situation some thought I decided it was time for me to move on. A few days later I submitted my resignation. The same partner who told me that I needed to improve was ready to give me the raise and address any demands I had.

At that point I realized that there was nothing for me left there. I can’t work in an environment where you get to move up based on threats not merit.

This was more than 10 years ago and I never looked back.

Important reminders

The above examples are just a few of the many things we all experience on a daily basis. Relationships breakdown, we disappoint others, and others let us down.

It is personal and when we acknowledge that, we allow our true feelings to come to the surface so we can shed some light on them

I have listed some pointers that I hope you find useful.

1. Don’t react impulsively and on the spot. It will make the situation worse not better.

2. Sometimes you don’t need to do anything and other times you need to take a stand and demand what’s rightfully yours. Use these options in a way that serves you best.

3. Realize that you can’t change other people’s perception of you. Even when it’s personal, anything others say or do shouldn’t take away from your value or truth. The other person’s perception of you or your status, abilities, attitude, thoughts is their view not yours. Your value is not contingent upon anyone’s approval.

4. Think of how important the situation is to you before you act. While no one likes to be yelled at in the middle of rush hour, would it matter in 5 or 10 minutes?

5. Determine how much effort this situation is worth to you. How much of your time and attention do you want to spend on an issue? Some things are not worth more than a few minutes. Others may take days or weeks.

6. Realize that relationships are not meant to last forever. Negative situations are tests that will uncover the weak spots. These are your clues. Don’t overlook them; learn from them instead.

7. Don’t dismiss your feelings. We can ignore the unpleasant emotions but they tend to linger. Our minds have powerful memories and associations. So unless we deal with the personal stuff, we will experience emotional outbursts in the most inopportune times.

8. Always look for what’s in it for you. What’s the lesson you learned? What’s the gift you received? For example a friendship ending will create space for a new one to begin. A rowdy driver will give you an exercise in patience.

9. What are you willing to give up? If the situation requires you to take a stand or make an adjustment, think of what you’re willing to change or give up. Would you be okay with that in the long-run?

10. Consider the consequences. While we may not always be able to understand the reasons for an unfortunate outcome, we all know too well that actions have consequences. If someone wrongs you, the consequences are theirs to bear. You’re only responsible for your own actions and consequences.

We are emotional beings. We have the right to take things personally. And more importantly we have the power to choose how we react and channel our pain.

I’ll close with this personal mantra.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t.” ~Marilyn Monroe

In the past few weeks I’ve been obsessing over Marilyn Monroe’s life. I’ve watched documentaries and read a few biographies. My intrigue and curiosity intensified as I dug in deeper.

I was trying to find who she truly was. What were the circumstances that lead to her tragic death at the age of 36? And what makes her life and death so interesting to millions like me? Why is her iconic status still very present in pop culture’s memory—almost half a century after her death?

Why do we want to know about other people’s lives?

I believe when we start looking deeper into someone else’s life—especially the successful and famous—we’re trying to get a glimpse of a personality or identity that we can relate to.

We’re looking for parts of ourselves through learning more about others—the good and the painful. We’re searching for our identity by trying to uncover theirs.

The findings

At the end of my search into Marilyn’s life I was no closer to finding out who she was. I got fragments of experiences, but not full truths.

She was conflicted on so many levels. She was kind and delicate, and cruel and vulgar. She wavered between presence and numbness, highs and lows. She exuded sexuality while maintaining a sense of innocence. She appeared clueless yet she was calculating. She created an iconic image of the ultimate in beauty and sensuality, yet she was riddled with self doubt and insecurities.

Marilyn Monroe remains a puzzle in spite of the hundreds of books and documentaries that cover every aspect of her life. It’s been also stated that she exaggerated or made stuff up about her upbringing.  No one has all the facts.

If we can’t reveal the true identity of someone who was in the public eye with such intensity, how can we know the truth about anyone else?

The simple answer is we can’t.

Goodbye identity

When we search for an identity, we’re trying to define who we are. We’re trying to provide a frame of reference for what we stand for, our actions and preferences. We’re constructing an image of how we should be.

How many people, including yourself, do you know who fit into one consistent and continuous pattern?

Personally, I don’t really understand myself all that much. I can be supportive and understanding but I can also be judgmental and snobbish. I have a dark side that emerges every now and then.

The thing is identity is made up like so many things in our world.

Identity is a narrowly defined concept that is governed by:

Perception. We all see what we want to see, in ourselves and others. Others may have different interpretations of who you are, and these will be different from how you define yourself.

Lack of understanding and the desire to relate. We need to compartmentalize the universe and our existence in an attempt to comprehend and explain our life and surroundings.

Subjective metrics. An identity is the sum of our likes and dislikes, our attitude, abilities, genetic makeup, gender, age, race, beliefs, abilities, and so on.

Identity boxes our existence. We are expected to fit into a concept and stay true to it. That’s hardly the case. Our human history is riddled with inconsistency, unfathomable kindness and brutality, brilliance and madness.

Hello enigma

To me Marilyn Monroe is and will remain an enigma. She is beyond definition and understanding. I can say the same about the closest people in my life. They have surprised me more often than not. I can’t fit some of their actions and reactions into my understanding of who they are. Like Marilyn, they are an enigma. And so am I.

Consider the following to illustrate the point further.

The mystery within. We are like a drop in the ocean of existence. We carry within this drop all the mystery of life. We cannot fully grasp the truth of being. We all have the capacity to create and destroy, to love and hate and to laugh and cry. We are full of surprises and that is part of the beauty and freedom of being.

Inexplicable odds. The odds of being born at the exact time and genetic makeup are estimated to be 1:400,000,000,000 (one in 400 trillion). You won’t play the lottery with such odds, yet here you are. You won the lottery of life. You are one of a kind—beyond explanation or definition.

Infinite capacity for contrasts. We are capable of anything. It’s imbedded into our drop of being.  We harbor the negative and positive, the black and white and every shade of grey.

We’re beyond definitions and limitations

We don’t really need to understand what or who we are. Life is in a constant state of evolution and so are we. If we don’t need to understand our own existence, there is no need to understand others.

What we can do instead is be all we can be, for the higher purpose that brings more joy or fulfillment—in the present moment. Then we allow the next moment to emerge and take us into the next state of being, which may be very close to the one before, but never the exact same.

Marilyn Monroe created a legendary persona that transcended time and culture. But she remains an enigma. We are just like her. We’re a mystery that continues to unfold every single moment.

“Anyone who knows me, should learn to know me again;
For I am like the Moon,
you will see me with new face every day.” ~Rumi

Photo courtesy of Ky

Often times I catch myself reminiscing about (or regretting) something that happened in the past. Other times I’m not here but somewhere else looking forward to the future. That’s fine every once in a while.

But what I want to share with you today is another form of avoiding this moment—waiting for whatever we’re experiencing now to be over, stifling the outcome and the time in which it’s being born.

And as Thoreau once said: As if you could kill time without injuring eternity. When we close up to this moment, in effect killing it, we hurt our chances of seeing the opportunities of growth and contentment.

When we detest what’s happening now, can we do something to make this experience not suck as much? In most cases I found the answer to be yes we can.

There will be painful experiences that we want to clear out of our lives as soon as possible. But these are the exception, not the rule. Our resistance is on automatic because the grass is greener somewhere else or the past was more fun than this monotonous now (or so we believe).

If we continue to look at most daily experiences as devoid of meaning and fun, we will not see what’s possible within them.

Imagine sitting in your office bored out of your mind, hating the project you’re working on, a colleague passes by and asks if you want to meet up after work for a drink. You say no and hide behind some excuse. You are sick and tired of seeing the same people for more than 8 hours a day, why would you go out with them?

Had you gone, maybe you would’ve bumped into an old friend who’s starting a business and would’ve loved to talk shop with you and maybe get you on board. You injured your chances by saying no without thinking about it.

When we’re in the blind zone of resistance, we tend to overlook the most obvious signs of possibilities—a new romance, an idea for a short story, a business venture and so on. We are killing our chances and injuring our destiny.

How to open up to the possibility of now

To become more aware of what’s right in front of us, we need to take a look at the reasons we block ourselves in the first place and resist our life as it is.

The three common threads of resistance and limitation as I see them are:

Lack of self worth and doubting abilities

This is the biggest cause of missing out on your own life and your own possibility.

A few rejections combined with a few failures and we’re not worth it. We can’t do anything right and we don’t deserve much of anything.

You pass by a beautiful home and wistfully say I wish I could live there. All the buts start darting out of your subconscious before you can blink. Nah it’s not for me. It’s too expensive I could never afford it. I bet the person who lives there did something illegal or at least unethical to be able to afford it. No I’ll never have that.

Right there you closed up the possibility of you living in a place you’d like to call home. Maybe you can’t afford this particular place. But if we know anything about this life is its endless possibilities.

Opening up means you don’t judge and close up your own path.

When you see the beautiful home smile and say to yourself I would love to live in a place like this one day. And leave it at that, no second guessing and no limitations upon yourself or the universe.

Negativity towards others

Harboring resentment, hatred, jealousy, envy or any other negatively charged emotion is a sure way to block your own potential. You are too busy looking for what’s wrong with other people that you don’t see what’s right within you. Also you won’t be able to see the good in them that may inspire your own success.

Judging others for success is more common than ever. It sparked a whole industry of gossip and negativity. And if we don’t pay attention, we do it almost instinctively. It’s easier to find fault with others’ success than to take responsibility for our own shortcomings or pursuing our desires.

In the example above you judged the people who live there and questioned their ethics. What you’re saying is that they don’t deserve it and then projecting that right back at yourself—if they don’t deserve it, neither do I.

What if instead we wished them well and that they enjoy their living space?

I’m not saying you won’t or shouldn’t have negative emotions. Far from it, it’s part of being human. In your journey you will manage to piss off and hurt more than a few people. And you will be hurt or angered by others.

The important thing is to feel the emotion and recognize it for what it is—a momentary reaction—and then let it go like you let go of carbon dioxide with every exhalation.

Forgive others and ask for forgiveness. There is no point in dwelling in guilt and what was. You’re wasting your precious now on something that won’t change.

Confusion

I have been talking about lack of clarity in the past and I’m realizing more and more that it is the root cause of a lot of suffering in our lives.

If you live your day in a haze—work, errands, kids, gym and sleep, going through the motions without knowing why you’re doing it and what you want, you will miss the biggest of signs.

Being clear doesn’t mean being rigid in your plans. It’s more like having a general direction and intention and keeping part of you open to what might come.

During the day make a point of stopping for a few seconds before you do something and internally set an intention for it.

In the example above you see the house and you know in your heart that you would love to live in a place like that. Pause and ask if you can do anything right now. Maybe you can check out similar listings and figure out how much your mortgage will be or perhaps look into a similar home but in a more affordable area of the city. Who knows what might come up?

Embracing maybe

To open up to the possibility of now does not require a massive change in your personality or life. It requires a minor adjustment in attitude and perspective.

No one can make you feel worthy other than yourself. We all know that; we just need to feel it and keep reminding ourselves to feel it. And regardless of what others say or do, we can master our own reactions and decide to not fall into a circle of negativity that can only wear us down.

The truth is if you are clear about your path and remain open you will be amazed by how serendipitous life can be.

Dwelling in a place of maybe and why not can be quite rewarding.

And even if opportunities don’t show up, what’s wrong with having a good (or fairly okay) time in this moment?

Photo courtesy of Pedro Ribeiro Simões

Can you succeed in pursuing your heart’s desires and dreams while maintaining a balanced life?

Can you have a strong family dynamic, a successful career, a rich and engaging social life, time alone for reflection while taking care of your health and meeting all your other needs? Is it possible?

The short answer is no. I’ve been looking into this question for some time. I came to this conclusion:

In order to get what you really really want, you have to give up a lot of other things.

How do I know?

I don’t know for sure. But from following the journeys and reading about some of the most successful people, I found out that they had one common thing—complete focus on their passions, ignoring the unimportant aspects of their lives.

I realized that part of feeling overwhelmed is wanting to do so many things and chasing the illusory notion of balance.

A look at three of the most successful people in their fields

I have chosen the following three from different backgrounds and walks of life to demonstrate the point.

Warren Buffett: A personal hero of mine. He is considered the most successful investor of our time, creating wealth by investing in businesses he believed in. He focused on his passion for business and stayed true to who he is.

Danielle Steele: One of the most successful fiction writers in modern times. She has published 123 books so far and raised 9 kids. I haven’t read any of her books but after reading this interview with her, I have the utmost respect for how she lives her life.

Steve Jobs: Personally I’m not a big fan but after reading his biography I couldn’t help but admire his tenacity and relentless pursuit of his vision. He knew how to drive people to bring his vision to reality.

The common two factors of their success

I. Pursuit of passion and the nonnegotiable

The common attributes to success that were not to be given up under any circumstances were: passion and values.

Buffett was consumed by his love for business and valued authenticity. His philosophy and approach reflect his focus on value and simplicity—no matter how successful and rich he became.

Steele had two driving forces in her life: family first and writing second. Everything else faded in the background.

Jobs was obsessively driven by his vision and the marriage of technology and art. He believed in the beauty and elegance of simplicity in design.

II. Things they gave up

Something has got to give. I don’t think when we feel compelled to follow the heart we can sit down and create a balanced approach to everything in our lives.

Balance is achieved through the peace that comes from knowing that you are on your own path and loving it.

I found that our three successful examples gave up the following—with ease.

1. Keeping up with trends and fads

Buffett has been living in the same house in Omaha since the late fifties. He likes to play bridge and enjoys his hamburgers and cherry Coke. He acquires a large stake in solid businesses and ignores the rest. Take a look at his company’s website, no flashy design or fancy images. The focus is on useful information.

Steele has been using the same typewriter she bought for $20 when she first started writing. She uses a computer only to send emails. And that’s it.

Jobs had only one book on his iPad—no games, apps or noise. He’s well known for his timeless black turtle neck and jeans outfit.

In order to focus on their desires and what matters they had to let go of a lot of other things. They trusted that it was enough for them to do what they enjoyed and didn’t care about what they would be missing out on—social events, adventures, or what’s on TV.

2. What others think

My three selected examples marched to the beat of their own drum. In order to succeed they had to stay focused on what felt right to them, not what others thought.

Buffett would stick to what he liked to eat even when he was at the fanciest socialite gatherings in Washington. He didn’t care for French cuisine. He’d rather chew bubble gum than have a cigar at a meeting, unlike most executives.

Steele admits that in order to take care of her family and continue to write, she had to forego having a social life. For at least 20 years, she never had lunch with a friend.

Jobs used to walk barefoot, had no license plate on his car, would throw a tantrum and cry when things didn’t work his way. Some of his actions and attitudes were downright cruel and abusive. But regardless of what we think of him, he was true to himself.

3. Ego driven outcomes

When it comes to success, it’s usually not the ultimate goal. People who pursue their passions feel compelled to do what they do. The end result is a mere reflection of the heart and soul that was poured into the work.

Money was not the goal nor was fame. The financial reward was an added bonus. The fame was a byproduct that did not change much of who they are as individuals.

Buffett did not set out to become one of the wealthiest people on the planet. He is passionate about business and finding companies with great value and leadership.

Steele knew that writing was her calling. She had a few books that didn’t do well, but that didn’t stop her.

Jobs did not obsess over Apple’s stock price. He cared more about the quality and beauty of what his company was creating. Interestingly enough, most of his financial wealth came from his shares in Disney (after it acquired Pixar), not from Apple.

What works for others can work for us. The above two guiding principles can be used by anyone. We can learn from others’ experiences to leverage our own success. I highly encourage you to read about the success of others in fields that interest you and use what you learn as a blueprint for your own success.

It takes guts and faith to focus on what you truly desire and let go of all the noise and distractions.

Are you ready to follow your dreams? And what are you willing to give up?

If you can answer these two questions and follow through with persistent action, you can’t fail.

Photo courtesy of Jhong Dizon

In the previous article we talked about becoming aware of your blah moments and trying to see the pattern. I hope you got a chance to reflect on the times and occasions where you felt drained or unmotivated. It’s important to know where you’re at right now before you start moving forward.

What can you do to break the cycle of blah?

The simplest answer is to know the causes of your uninspired feelings and deal with them. Consider the action steps below.

Mental and emotional

Most of these recommendations are mental adjustments rather than actual action steps. But they can make a big difference.

1. Own your blah moments

Take full responsibility for how you feel. Don’t waste your precious time and energy looking for someone or something to blame. No matter what happens we can always choose how to react.

2. Don’t resist the feeling

This is probably the biggest cause of mental and emotional drain. When you’re not up to doing something, you keep fighting the fog and creating more pain for yourself.

Accept the blah as it comes. There is no point fighting it.

So when we don’t feel like it, it’s time to look within and see how we can move past it. Here is an idea: instead of fighting the feeling, ask for more.

Asking for more means you try and feel all the blah that comes your way. Tell your blah to bring it on, to give you all it’s got. What’s the worst thing that can happen?

I bet it won’t take more than a few minutes before you start feeling better. Surrender is very powerful in releasing stuck energy.

Talk to your blah and say something like: I know you’re here for a reason, tell me what I can learn from you.

3. Accept your limitations

You are not a machine and shouldn’t expect yourself t to function at the same level all the time. You will have good and not so good days. We all do. This means accepting your down time as mentioned above.

If you have a limitation in a certain area of your life, let it be. Instead of denying or avoiding it, work with it. Accept your limitations without judgment.

Ask for help if you need to. For example, if you’re not good with numbers but have to prepare a budget report, ask a colleague to help you or explain the hard stuff to you. People love to help. This is a better choice than staring blankly at your computer screen.

Instead of focusing on limitations, open up to the opportunities and resources that can be available to you.

4. Gain clarity

To motivate yourself to keep going, you need to be clear about what you want and why you want it.

This is one of the best things you can do for yourself. It will give you a sense of direction and ignite your motivation.

I’m not talking about rigid goals here. But things that you are passionate about and would love to have more of in your life. Read this article for more details.

A good article about the power of clarity can be found here. If you have a bit more time, check out this video (length: 8 minutes. Important part starts after 5 minutes to the end).

If you don’t have time to read the articles above, start with a list of things you’d like to be, do and have. From this list you can determine if your choices of actions so far have helped you in moving closer to your desires or if you need to change direction.

5. Learn to prioritize

If you can’t set your priorities straight, someone else will do it for you. You’ll spend most of your time doing what’s important to others, not you. This will overwhelm you even more.

Prioritizing is a skill that you get better at with practice. Every day determine what’s the most important task or two. Focus all your energy on getting these done first. You can handle anything else that comes your way after.

For more information about prioritizing check out this article.

6. Overcome feeling overwhelmed

One of the most popular posts on this blog is about moving past overwhelm. I will give you a short list of the main points here. But I recommend you read the full article here if you have time.

• Pick one thing that nags at you the most.
• Break it down to simplest actionable portions.
• Do one action step at a time.
• Commit to completion. Don’t do anything else unless this task is done.
• Repeat the above process with the next thing.

This may sound overly simplistic but it does work. The most important thing is to choose one thing and eliminate everything else from your stream of thought until you are done.

7. Be flexible

Balancing your important work with life’s unexpected interruptions is an art. Staying flexible means that you allow for things to happen. Don’t over commit or over schedule your time. It’s a recipe for disappointment.

As I mentioned above choose the most important task or two, max. This gives you ample time to deal with other things as they come. If you pick two tasks each day, you will complete 10 tasks a week and a whopping 500 tasks a year (assuming you work 50 weeks per year). This is quite an achievement.

I haven’t talked about fear in this article. I truly believe that the best way to face your fears is to start shifting your focus and taking action. Most fears, when it comes to moving forward, will be dealt with if you do the above.

Physical

It’s easy to determine what you can do physically, after dealing with the biggest obstacle—your primitive and protective brain. Consider these ideas as a start and add your own.

1. Move

Just move. Do anything to break the cycle of stagnant thoughts. When you move you improve your circulation and enhance your mood. Then your thought pattern starts to change. And you feel better.

These are simple ideas that won’t take much of your time.

• Walk up and down a couple of flights of stairs.
• Go outside for a walk. Five or 10 minutes will do.
• Get a glass of water and drink it slowly.
• Stretch. A bit of flexibility goes a long way and can ease your physical pain. Check out this basic routine or the office routine.

2. Optimize your diet

We all know we should eat healthy but how often do we do it?

If you determine that your diet causes you to be more sluggish, change what you eat gradually. Your goal is to eat healthy 80% of the time and you can do what you like with the remaining 20%.

This means cutting down on meat consumption, fried foods and sugar. Eat more whole grains and vegetables. And drink more water and less toxic beverages like sodas and alcohol.

3. Rest

If you’re exhausted you need to take a break and rest for a while instead of wasting more energy trying to force yourself to keep going.

Resting vs. mind numbing

Resting means not doing anything that stimulates your mind. Browsing the web or watching TV is not resting. It’s mind numbing. There is a big difference.

Resting allows you to wipe the slate clean and energize your mind and body.

Numbing your mind robs of you of time and energy. You don’t wipe the slate clean. You add more crap to your psyche which will make you feel worse after.

Consider these:

• Sleep or take a nap
• Listen to relaxing music
• Take a warm bath
• Meditate
• Walk or stretch, as mentioned above

4. Renew

This is something you can do to feel more energized over the long run. You give yourself time to do things that bring you joy.

Pleasure vs. Joy

There is a big difference between the two.

Pleasurable and thrilling activities will give you a high. The rush can be quite intoxicating. But as we all know, for every high there is a low. Going to loud parties, theme parks, alcohol consumption and extreme sports are examples of activities that will give you short lived pleasure.

What really helps is doing things that renew your energy and restore your sense of wellbeing. Here are examples:

• Spend time in nature. Star gaze, garden, watch a sunset, or walk on the beach.
• Connect with the people you care about the most. Spend time with family and friends. Nothing is more rewarding than a genuine human connection.
• Work on a hobby or start a new one. Lose yourself in something that brings you joy. You will forget about the troubles of the world and feel a wonderful sense of satisfaction.

Joy is more subtle but lasts much longer. You calmly and gently renew your entire being.

5. Manage your space

If your space is a mess, you need to deal with that before you can find your inspiration. De-clutter and rearrange your furniture to make your environment more inviting and suitable to your needs.

6. Reflect

Make it a habit to sit quietly and do nothing else. Reflect on your days and experiences. If you can’t just sit still and get lost in your thoughts, write them down.

Reflection gives you insight into what’s working and what can be improved in your life.

7. Act

After all’s been said and done, the one crucial thing that will make a difference is action. After you have dealt with the underlying reasons behind your unmotivated phase, you need to act. Start, move and make every action count.

I hope you find some of the suggestions above useful in moving forward. As you know there is no one definitive solution for any challenge. The key is to consciously choose the actions that suit you and keep going.

And regardless of where you are, may you always uncover the hidden gifts of awakening and growth that come from every experience in your life—including blah moments.

Photo courtesy of Paul Stevenson

Do you ever feel like you don’t want to do anything?

You stare at the work you’re supposed to be doing but feel blah. You’re in a blank state—unmotivated or bored.

The same can happen at home. You’re just not up to much and don’t know what to do with yourself. You feel numb and indifferent.

I go through phases of this blah state. I just sit there and do nothing. Or worse, I start wasting time, mostly online, doing useless stuff.

I had a conversation with Matt, a wonderful and talented reader. After the exchange I decided to run an experiment and keep a blah diary. Basically I would document all the moments that I felt numb and try to understand where these moments are coming from and what I can do about them.

Today I want to share with you some of the main findings and encourage you to start observing your own moments.

Why use a blah diary

Being in a dull state every now and then is not a big deal, but if it goes unnoticed for an extended period of time, it becomes part of your routine. It turns into a habit that causes you pain for no reason other than it hasn’t been noticed and questioned. It can be quite disruptive and draining.

A diary will help you in the following progression.

Observation creates awareness.

When you start recording (observing) your activities, you become more aware of them.

I usually track my productive time for work purposes but it’s much harder to track your unproductive time. Once you start noticing your blah moments, you pay more attention.

Awareness questions the behavior.

When you become aware, you start questioning your feelings, actions and motivations.

Questioning changes you.

Writing and reflecting on your experiences will change your perspective.

After you dig into your unsupportive behavior you become even more aware.  You realize that you can step out of the feelings that don’t serve you. Transformation is born out of your moment of choice.

How to create your own diary

The  process is quite simple. Start a document on your computer or use a pen and paper. Monitor your behavior. When you feel blah, document the following:

• What were you doing?
• The time of the day
• What you felt like
• What would you rather be doing instead?
• How did you move past the low moment?
• What do you think caused it?
• How often have you experienced a similar situation?

Keep doing it for at least a couple of weeks. After a while you won’t need to write things down. You will notice the pattern and the feelings.

Main causes of blah moments

The causes I encountered are listed below. I believe they are the main culprits. Other triggers are derivatives of any of them.

Mental and emotional

1. Overwhelm

This was the biggest one for me. To give you an example: I kept staring at my computer and dreading writing the gratitude journey article.

After a few days I realized that the main reason behind the struggle was that I felt the article was going to be too long. There was no way I’d be able to finish it on time.

The moment I came to the realization, I decided to split the post into two parts. That was it. I felt motivated to complete the first part and got it published on time.

Overwhelm is the feeling behind any of these thoughts: too many tasks and so little time, not knowing what to do, unrealistic expectations, and not having faith in one’s ability to act or things being out of control.

Overwhelm can be debilitating. It adds to your stress levels and drains your energy. You feel numb and avoid taking meaningful action.

2. Lack of clarity

There are three aspects of clarity that affect your attitude and behavior.

Unclear purpose: When you don’t know why you want to do something, it’s really hard for your mind and heart to commit to it. You can do it but it’s going to be an uphill battle with lots of blah interruptions.

Unclear outcome: You don’t know what the end is going to look like so you embark on a journey without a destination. It’s fun for a while then it gets confusing and overwhelming.

Unclear priorities: If you don’t know what’s important and what you need to get done, everything becomes fair game. And when everything is on equal footing, the easier and instantly gratifying action wins—always!

Messing around online or chatting on Facebook will win over working on that book you’ve been meaning to write (from personal experience).

3. Fear

This is the mother of all struggles. It can be a deeply rooted cause of  feeling unmotivated or incapable of starting a project or completing a task.

Everything that is unsupportive in our lives stems from one form of fear or another.

One of the simplest manifestations of fear is the nagging feeling that you should be doing something else instead of the task at hand—you fear you’re picking the wrong action. This feeling consumes you and you end up doing nothing.

Resistance and avoidance are the offspring of any of the above.

Physical

When our bodies are not functioning at an optimal level our mental faculties and emotional state suffer. The main areas are:

1. Diet

If you have a big meal, don’t expect miracles in focus and productivity. Your body is excellent in prioritizing. The blood will rush to aid in digestion which means you will feel sluggish and tired.

For me lunch is the biggest meal of the day. After eating I turn to a zombie. Unless I have something urgent to do, I don’t function well.

Caffeine or sugar withdrawal and dehydration will cause foggy states.

2. Tiredness and pain

Not getting enough sleep can make you groggy. I used to compensate with caffeine but that only lasted for a short while before I came down crashing.

I do have a bad back and neck so when the nerves are pinched I can’t get comfortable and that makes it impossible to do anything, let alone something inspiring or meaningful.

3. Environment

You won’t be able to motivate yourself when you don’t like your work space (or home environment) or you’re surrounded by distractions.

I can’t function if there is anything on my desk other than what I’m working on or if there is noise. It’s a big blah when I try to work at a coffee shop.

We all have our personal preferences. As you go through your diary you will gain more clarity about the environment that works for you.

The reasons I mentioned here  will sound generic to you. As you dig into your own experiences you will find specific triggers which would fall under any of these causes.

I hope you get a chance to observe and reflect on your blah moments. This can be a powerful exercise in awareness and understanding your tendencies and challenges. I would love to hear from you about your experience.

In the next article we will get into practical action steps to move through the blah state.

Photo courtesy of John Morgan