What do people mostly regret on their deathbed?

I’ve been thinking about what I would regret. Today I invite you to take a look at the most common regrets below and reflect on how they impact you.

What do people regret most?

A nurse who spent many years in palliative care working with patients for the last few weeks of their lives recorded the most common five regrets people had. Here they are:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Don’t you agree that when people near the end, the fog lifts and they see with clarity what’s important?

No life goes to waste. We can learn from each other and from the wisdom of our fellow humans who left this world before us.

What can we learn from the list of regrets?

As you can see from the above list, there is no mention of home maintenance or crazy adventures—no sky diving or wild nights. These are basic truths: to live authentically and freely, to be happy and content and to be connected to the people who are important to us.

From my experience I can tell you that the things that matter the most to us can be counted on one hand (or two max). Looking at the list above, I found three main points that can make a big difference for the rest of our lives.

1. Living truthfully

This means that we live by our rules and do our thing. We don’t act out of guilt, fear of being different or to prove a point. To be truthful is to accept who we are and do what works for us—regardless of societal expectations and pressures.

This is probably one of the hardest things to do on the face of this planet. I still struggle with self acceptance. And as a result, I find myself doing things to comply with outside expectations or not expressing how I feel.

It takes courage and a whole lot of awareness to follow one’s truth.

Who you are + aligned action = your truth

Who you are is the sum of everything that is uniquely you—what you like/dislike, your gifts and talents, your interests and what you value most.

When we’re true to ourselves, we can’t help but act in a way that reflects genuinely who we are. In this case we pursue our passions and do work that matters to us. We love what we do and in the process contribute to society in the most authentic and meaningful way.

2. Genuine connections

This means focusing on the relationships that nourish our hearts and souls. Again, I think a handful (or two) of meaningful connections is all we need.

The type of connection is different for each person. It can be people from one’s childhood, or from recent encounters and experiences.

Meaningful relationships are the ones that endure and last beyond dysfunction and human frailty. They serve a purpose in our lives. They add beauty (maybe pain sometimes) but most definitely, they help us grow.

Relationships need to be regularly tended to and occasionally mended in order to flourish. This is where we fall short most of the times.

The best practice is to make it a priority to stay in touch and to deal with issues as they arise. It takes sincere desire and effort to keep relationships alive, especially in these fast paced days.

3. Happiness (contentment) by choice

Another tough one. The first step to a contented life is an authentic way of living, not worrying about what others think.

Then comes the feedback/reaction loop. We’re programmed to react to outside influences. It’s very hard to choose to be content when faced with conflict and challenges. But we can do it, because we always have a choice.

We don’t have to get angry, we choose to. We can laugh instead of fuming with anger.

We don’t have to react, we choose to. We can choose not to do anything when we perceive negativity coming our way.

To be happy is to live truthfully. To choose to be happy is to internally focus on the gifts of life and being.

How do we choose to be happy?

We just do. Make a choice, moment by moment, experience by experience, thought by thought to be okay with who we are and what we’re doing. This means we shift into a high gear of awareness before the automatic ego driven reactions kick in. It takes strength and a lot of practice.

I am not there yet. I have a lot of residual programming that takes me to negativity before I think about it. What I found most helpful is to take notice.

The moment I wake up for example I feel tired and want to just hide under the sheets. Then I ask myself a simple question: what are you dreading? I then follow with: what are you looking forward to? The second answer usually shows me that I have more things to look forward to than dread, which boosts my mood.

Any activity that can help us center our thoughts and emotions will allow for more contentment and less misery. Consider:

• Meditating with a smile on your face
• Free writing to take out any negativity
• Relaxing activities like stretching/yoga, taking a bath or just a few deep breaths

Choose to be happy, and practice to be happy and you will be happy.

It seems that the most important things that we regret are really simple but not easy … but not impossible either.

So dear friends please take the time to think about what you would regret. It’s not too late to start now and make the best out of the rest of your life.

Stay truthful. Be happy.

PS Today was supposed to be the day I promised to release a book. It didn’t happen. I’m way behind —no excuses. I underestimated the time and effort required and the tyranny of resistance. For that I’m truly sorry. I will share what I learned from this experience with you. And I’m going to do my best to release the book soon. Thank you for being here … I love you!

How many things do you have on your to-do list? How many projects remain uncompleted or not even started?

How do you feel when you think about all the things you want to get done?

A couple of days ago, I started imagining what it would be like if I had a task genie. What tasks and projects would I assign to the genie to complete for me? And what projects do I want to do myself, regardless of the time and effort required?

I started answering the exciting question first—the things that I want to do, no matter what. There were 5 items on that list, and none of them was a surprise. The same stuff came up: investing, composing music, playing the piano, writing, and learning. I felt excited, motivated, and a bit scared. It was a good mix of feelings.

Then came the not so much fun part—listing all the things I want to get done but don’t want to do myself. I started the listing with enthusiasm wanting to clear my mind. I didn’t look into any existing lists or reminders. I just wanted to take the stuff out of my mind as I thought of it.

As I kept writing and adding to the list, I felt more anxious. It took me about 15 minutes of writing before I stopped—I could barely catch my breath. There was so much on that list. Most of the items are home maintenance stuff: wall patching, spring cleaning, de-cluttering certain areas and getting organized.

I didn’t finish the list. I stopped and looked at it. Usually I deal with the really important stuff as it comes up. For example tile sealing in the bathrooms is crucial if I want to prevent moisture from seeping into the walls—it takes me a couple of days to complete and I get it done when it’s due. The other things like a ding on a wall that needs to be filled and painted, blinds cleaning and stuff like that gets pushed back. But they linger in the back of my mind. Over time things start adding up and overwhelm kicks in.

An intentional stop

After I stopped, I realized that a lot of the things I listed have been there for a while. So obviously they’re not that urgent. What would happen if I didn’t do anything?

It’s usually very hard to stop when you’re bombarded with things to do. Our reactive mind pushes us to do something—anything, just to feel we’re making progress.

It may seem counterintuitive to stop for a period of idleness. It’s necessary, however, if we want to gain some perspective.

Feeling overwhelmed means that my mind is taking this stuff seriously and it’s freaking my body out.

In order to break the feeling of overwhelm, I decided to stop for a day and do nothing. What’s going to happen?

Absolutely nothing! The things are going to remain not done for another day or week or month or year. So what?

A day of doing nothing

I chose the first day when I didn’t have any important commitments to stop and not do anything.

I turned off the alarm the night before and decided to sleep in. I got up when I felt ready to, read for about an hour in bed before moving and then had my coffee basking in the sun.

Other than writing in my journal for a few minutes, I didn’t do any work on the computer. I read, watched TV and then soaked my tired feet in a warm relaxing bath. That was all I did.

Nothing collapsed; the world is still as it was the day before, and my list remains unchanged.

A whole lot of stuff we worry about is really not a big deal. These tasks can wait or be completely ignored.

What you can learn from doing nothing

When we stop acting and reacting we get a chance to look at things without false urgency and anxiety. The main benefits can be summed up below:

1- Calm the fearful mind

I think the best practice to convince your mind of the fallacy of its assumptions is to do the opposite and prove to yourself that things are okay.

When I stopped for a day I proved to my mind that things are manageable. I don’t have to do everything my mind thinks I should.

2- Transform your emotions

Questing the mind and proving that it’s wrong is one of the best ways to feel an inner calm.

You interrupt the mind from feeding negative emotions on a subconscious level, before you even notice.

3- Reprioritize

A break is needed every now and then to help us refocus on what matters. Leaving things incomplete is not so bad when we realize that they’re not that important.

Pursuing a handful of dreams and desires is not only more rewarding in the long run, it’s the fuel that keeps your soul alive. It’s what motivates you to do the things on your genie list.

What does one do on a do-nothing day?

It depends what nothing means to you. For me it was about relaxing and doing things that I enjoy outside of work without guilt or worry.

It can be anything from staying in your pajamas all day, eating when you feel like it, reading a novel, watching TV, taking a bath, napping, or just sitting and enjoying the silence.

The most important thing is not to cheat yourself and pretend that you’re not doing anything when in fact you’re trying to catch up on house chores or any unfinished work.

The whole point is to not work on anything on your to-do list and not worry about it.

If you can’t take a full day off

Take an afternoon, or even an hour. Try and take one full day on the weekend if you can. Just start where you are and break the cycle of action by consciously choosing to say no to your list and yes to inaction.

On keeping a genie list

I have my genie list and will keep adding to it. Writing things down puts the mind at ease. But this time I’m going to make my list more fun and less serious. I  won’t allow it to take control of my inner state.

The genie list is for all the things that I would like to get done, but if they don’t, it’s not the end of the world. The list can help in making decisions: I can hire someone to do some work and get it over and done with. I can motivate myself every now and then to get something off the list. Or simply remove the item.

I invite you today to imagine what it would feel like to rub a magic lamp and have a genie do all the work for you. What work would you delegate and what are the things that are yours—and only yours?

The list of things you want to do is what’s truly in your heart. Breathe, smile and work on that. The rest will take care of itself through you, time or someone else.  And when things get a bit overwhelming have a relaxing do-nothing day and enjoy every minute of it.

Photo by jenny downing

Am I worth it?

This is the question I ask myself when a new opportunity or challenge comes up. And I believe I’m not the only one asking this question.

Feeling that we’re not worthy is one of the most pervasive issues I’ve come across. Lack of self worth—maybe in varying degrees—is not confined to certain cultures or boarders.

The feeling of unworthiness can manifest in various problematic ways. Consider these:

Self doubt: When we feel unworthy, we start to doubt our abilities to achieve anything. And if we can’t do anything, we feel we don’t deserve anything.

Distorted view of contribution: If I can’t see my value, I won’t be able to see the value of anything I’m offering to the world.

Misguided measure of others’ value: I won’t be able to see the value of others and what they contribute if I’m blind to my own value.

Constant need for validation and approval: We need others to prove to us that we’re worthy because we can’t see it in ourselves. But even when we get validation, it’s short lived because deep down, we don’t believe it.

Self sabotage: When I don’t think I can do anything, or I’m not worthy of anything, my subconscious mind is going to provide all the reasons and excuses for me not to follow through.

Procrastination and/or perfectionism: If I can’t get anything right, I’ll keep postponing working on it. And if I manage to start I’ll find fault every step of the way so that nothing gets finished.

Self worth is not just about our perception of our self. It’s about how we see value in the world.

Why do we feel unworthy?

The feelings result from situations where we were let down, made fun of, rejected, criticized, felt neglected, and so on. The root causes for each one of us are different.

The common denominator is that we took certain experiences and feedback and made a general statement. And we turned it into a mantra: I’m not worth it or I have nothing of value to offer.

Then we repeated the mantra till it became carved in our subconscious mind as a truth, i.e. a belief.

How to deal with lack of self worth

You can address issues of self worth by finding the root cause of the belief and then negating it.

“Self-worth comes from one thing — thinking that you are worthy.” Wayne Dyer

Today I want to propose a different approach—one that works with numbers. Just like we have a financial net worth, we’re going to create a statement of self net worth. Instead of thinking that you are worthy, you will see that you are worthy.

In financial terms net worth is equal to your assets (what you own) minus your liabilities (what you owe).

Net worth = assets – liabilities

So if you have let’s say $3,000 in your bank and you have $500 in credit card debt, your net worth would be $2,500. This is a very simple example. It gets  more complicated if you own a home with a mortgage, own a car, have student loans and other kinds of debt and investments or retirement accounts. But the concept is the same.

As you probably know, money is just an arbitrary symbol that we humans decided to use as a medium of exchange. So when it comes to self value we’re going to arbitrarily choose points. Here is the breakdown of our points system:

What’s out of your control: 1 Point

Things you like (or dislike) about yourself that are genetic (i.e. you can’t do anything about them) like your height, skin color, your nose shape and so on.

This also includes limitations from injury, accidents and illness.

The limitation is one point but overcoming it would be under your control and that’s 5 points.

Things  you can control: 5 points

Things you like (or dislike) about yourself that you can change. For example, being overweight without any medical problems, being a procrastinator, not eating healthy, following your dreams, and so on.

This also includes character and values, your achievements, failures, and experiences that impacted you.

Intrinsic capital: 1,000 points ??

This is the value of being … of existing right here and now. Being alive is the foundation of our entire existence, without it we won’t be having this conversation. How many points is that worth?

Remember that the odds of being born at the exact time and genetic makeup are estimated to be 1:400,000,000,000 (one in 400 trillion). What value can you put on that? I added 1000 arbitrarily. Quite honestly I feel it should be 400 trillion points!

This is value from the cosmic bank sent straight to your beautiful one of a kind self—with no strings attached.

An example of self net worth

This is a hypothetical example:

Assets (what I like about myself)

Physical

• I have beautiful hands: 1
• I like my nose: 1
• I’m at my ideal weight: 5

Non physical

• Graduated college: 5
• Got my real estate license: 5
• I’m loyal: 5
• I love what I do: 5
• I survived a bear attack: 5
• I complete what I start: 5

Total assets: 37

Liabilities (what I don’t like about myself)

Physical

• I’m too short: 1
• I have oily skin: 1
• Neck pain due to pinched nerve: 1
• I don’t exercise: 5

Non physical

• I haven’t started on my novel: 5
• I’m shy and don’t speak up: 5
• I procrastinate: 5
• I envy others sometimes: 5

Total liabilities: 28

Self net worth

• Assets – liabilities: 9
• Add: Intrinsic capital: 1,000

Total self net worth: 1,009

Is this really a smart way of looking at self worth?

You might think this exercise is stupid; there is no way I can put numbers on my value. And I agree; it is as absurd as using money as a medium of exchange. But it’s a way that we can see for ourselves what we like and dislike about ourselves in plain sight on paper.

You can choose to remove the numbers all together and just keep a list.

Using your statement of self net worth

A few pointers here to get the best results out of this experiment.

Update it on a regular basis.

When you start this exercise you may not remember all the positives and negatives that linger in the back of your mind. So it’s very important that you become aware of self worth thoughts as they come up and add them to your list.

Write them down as you think of them, and keep reviewing your list on a regular basis.

Most of us are probably better at coming up with things we don’t like more than the things we like. It’s important to keep track of anything positive that you do and add it to your list.

It’s really personal.

This is a very personal document so I wouldn’t encourage you to share it—unless you want constructive feedback from someone who can help you.

What you like or don’t like about yourself is your view. So some of the things you think are true about yourself might be distorted. If in doubt, ask someone you trust about the particular issue and see if they agree with you or not.

Use your self net worth for motivation.

The points I added are arbitrary and in all honesty being here trumps all the other assets and liabilities. But the good thing about having this list is that it will get you to see what you think. And maybe do something about the things you can change.

If your weight bugs you, you can start eating healthier. If  you’ve been longing to write your book, you can begin writing.

At any given point you can turn liabilities under your control into assets by choosing and acting differently.

The bottom line is no matter where you look and what you add to your list, you will have a positive self net worth, if for nothing else, it’s for existing in this wondrous world.

As you read these words always remember that you are worthy of all you desire. Life loves you and that’s why you’re here—deserving of all that’s good in life and then some.

“Poor is the man who does not know his own intrinsic worth and tends to measure everything by relative value. A man of financial wealth who values himself by his financial net worth is poorer than a poor man who values himself by his intrinsic self worth.” ~Sidney Madwed

Photo courtesy of la_bella_polenesiana

Does anyone really miss us when we don’t show up on twitter or facebook for a few days, a month or more?

I have been cutting down on my online presence in social media lately. And I don’t think I’m being missed much. I’m fading from the virtual social memory.

Who would miss you online? And how much do (or should) you care?

Who will truly miss you?

I’ve noticed that the only people who miss me are the ones I know in real life, my friends, mostly childhood friends who live far away. They check in every now and then. But honestly they can ask me straight by phone or email instead of facebook.

The rest of the people in my online circles are busy with their lives and that’s perfectly fine. I haven’t been paying much attention either.

The thing that I question is: how important is our online presence, and how far are we willing to go to maintain it? Or is it okay for part of our digital self to fade away?

Relationships vs. virtual connections

Relationships, like our existence, have a lifespan. How long they last depends on the nature and depth of the connection.

In real life the most lasting relationships are the ones that grow organically.

If we look back, the relationships that we formed when we were kids came from relatives, schoolmates and neighbors. Our relationships revolved around our community.

The same applies to adulthood as well. We develop relationships at college/university or at work. On occasion we might meet someone through a mutual friend or family member or at a gathering.

Our relationships continue to evolve as we move and grow. We gain more friends, and we forget about some and they forget about us—over the years.

Then came the internet.

With the internet, we started a new type of connections, the virtual kind. Sometimes my ego gets confused and perceives online interactions as deep as actual personal friendships.

We might develop a strong bond with someone online, but unless we’re willing to take it to a new level of meeting in person face to face and physically being part of each other’s life, we will forget about them and they’ll forget about us.

I met a group of wonderful people online. But we subsequently met in person and developed a strong friendship. I don’t think we would’ve maintained a meaningful relationship just being online.

Faster technology = shallower connections

The advancement in connectivity has been staggering. The emergence of social media created an illusion of a better human connection. How can we maintain a better connection when the trends keep changing faster and faster?

My Space used to be the thing and now facebook and twitter are all the rage. Then came Google +, Instagram and Pinterest. What’s next? Who knows!

And we try each one, build a social circle, then jump to the next new thing. How much depth and meaning do we have in such interactions? Not much.

Social media is not that social

Social media can be useful for some purposes but it is not a viable option for friendships and genuine connections—unless the relationship is moved to the real world.

I don’t really hundreds of fiends on twitter. I won’t have that many real friends over a life time, let alone a few years. With the exception of a few friends, these are followers who happen to read some of what I share but they will move on to the next thing when the time comes.

The true purpose of social media

In the beginning twitter and facebook used to be about people connecting with people, just like them. But as they grew and became popular the purpose shifted. Right now the way I see the role of social media is one or more of the following:

• A marketing mechanism—businesses promote their brands and engage their customers to develop products and services. This includes sharing one’s own writing and ideas.
• An entertainers’/celebrities’ platform—they (or their representatives) can interact with their fans and promote their work or causes.
• A source of entertainment—people share stuff they saw, read or heard, similar to digg, delicious and stumble upon.
• A way to pursue an interest—you might be able to find something that you want to learn or interact with people who share the same interest, similar to forums and groups.
• An accidental/fringe purpose— a group can rally countrymen and women to start a revolution or support a cause.

All of the above are perfectly fine. As long as we’re aware of the nature of the medium and its use, we won’t have unrealistic expectations of long lasting virtual friendships.

This leads me to conclude that I don’t need to be on social media much, other than to share my writing and answer relevant questions. So it’s more than okay to fade away and step out of the ever changing social media.

If you have similar feelings and experiences, I hope you give your precious time and energy to what matters to you. Use social media for your specific purpose and fade away when it comes to all the hype and noise.

We’re all much better off focusing on our real relationships.

Photo courtesy of Stephen Wolfe

Do you dislike repetition?

Repetition creates boring routines that numb the mind and suck the joy out of life. This is what I used to think. And I admit sometimes I still resist routine.

The thing is: repetition is a fundamental part of the laws of life.

Imagine if gravity decided to take it up a notch (or tone it down a bit) because it was bored. That wouldn’t be fun for us—we’d be either compressed to the ground, or floating in the air.

Life repeats itself with every breath, every heart beat and every sunrise. When the routine of life breaks down momentarily (earthquakes, tsunamis and so on), it’s because nature is rebalancing.

We are also creatures of habit and repetition. We eat the same foods, perform the same tasks and hang out with the same people. We repeat the same activities and then we get bored.

“Nature is an endless combination and repetition of a very few laws. She hums the old well-known air through innumerable variations.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Repetition gets a bad rap because it stands in the face of spontaneity and variety. It creates comfort zones that imprison us; it becomes our jailer.

This is one way of looking at it. But like so many things in life, repetition is neutral. We polarize it by our choices.

Repetition is an activity that can be used or abused.

Repetition creates habits—good and bad.

Repetition is the mother of skill and mastery.

Repetition sets beliefs that empower or impair.

Repetition can be our best friend or our worst enemy.

We can focus on the boring and destructive side of repetition, or we can make the best of it.

How can we make repetition fun?

We’re going to use repetition to start something we’ve been yearning to do but can’t get excited about because of the dread of repetition and practice.

Here are five simple steps that will help in the process.

Emotional motivation

Engaging your positive emotions, especially when it comes to the monotonous, can be very motivating.

Build up anticipation and excitement about getting to practice a certain skill. Indulge in your dreams and desires. Imagine success with deep feeling to boost your motivation.

Let’s say you want to learn Spanish. Imagine your favorite Spanish actor or actress as your tutor. How fun would it be to have a conversation with them!

One small step at a time

Some projects are more daunting than others. They require a lot of work to learn the skill and become familiar with specialized terminology.

Take the example of learning how to compose music using all the technology out there—a gazillion software programs, loops, samples, instruments, plus the basics like music theory and maybe learning how to play an instrument.  If I think of the whole thing, I will never learn anything.

But I can start with one thing. Learn how to use one computer program, one step at a time. I can practice each feature till I’m familiar with it, then move on to the next feature. And I’ll do that one thing over and over with the enthusiasm and intensity of a five year old.

With every step, we gain more understanding and clarity of the process. This enables us to determine what to do next when the time comes.

No time boundaries

Don’t put a timeframe on when you expect yourself to see visible results. It’s perfectly expected to struggle and suck when we start something new.

It’s best to focus on your practice and move forward when you feel comfortable, instead of forcing yourself into compliance with an unrealistic deadline.

Focus on the act not the result

When you’re starting something new, you imagine what it would look like to be an expert. But the truth is: it takes tremendous time (about 10,000 hours) with lots of repetition to master a skill.

So don’t focus on becoming the best. Focus on your practice and progress. Did you do a little better today than yesterday? It’s more empowering and motivating.

Actively engage

Immerse yourself fully in the experience. Become one with whatever you’re doing. Live it, breathe it, touch it, smell it, and relish it. This is the best fun anyone can have. Play and learn like a child without a worry in the world.

Back to our Spanish learning example, have a conversation with your best star. If you still can’t pronounce a word, make it up and laugh.  Look up the word and try again.

A bunch of don’ts

An added emphasis here on things we subconsciously do that make us suffer with repeated activities. If you want to enjoy your repetition,

Don’t turn the action into a chore you have to do. You’re doing it by choice.

Don’t resist what you want to do. Instead look forward to it. You’ll have a blast.

Don’t procrastinate. Honor your commitment to yourself.

Don’t let doubt and fear paralyze you. Acknowledge your feelings and keep going. It’s never too late or too early. You’re never over or underprepared.

Don’t nag yourself. We (or at least I) tend to do the opposite of what nags at us (me). It’s better to cut yourself some slack and remind yourself of your reasons for wanting to learn or develop a skill. Forgive yourself for relapses and mistakes. Then move on. Keep it light.

Repetition is crucial to your growth. It’s a wonderful friend. Enjoy its company and let it help you in fulfilling your desires and becoming all you can be.

Photo courtesy of Steven Depolo

Lack of focus is a major struggle for a lot of people. Feeling unfocused can be quite discouraging and frustrating.

When we feel scattered, we get nothing done. So we look for new tricks to help us focus. I often say to myself: I need to learn how to focus.

There are numerous resources out there to teach you how to reduce distractions and focus on what’s important. Such resources give you tools to help you focus more. But they don’t teach you how to focus.

No one can teach you how to focus. Why?

Because you’re already an expert in focusing. It’s like breathing to all of us.

We are born focused.

Think of how a newborn stares at you, unmoved by anything else.

So what’s the problem? Why can’t we focus and get results?

The answer to this question is twofold:

Either we focus on the wrong thing—what’s not important avoiding what we really want (ineffective focus). Or

We jump from one thing to the next every few minutes—when we’re bored and can’t find something interesting to hold our attention for longer periods.

We don’t lack the skill of focus. We just choose to use it inefficiently.

When do we use our focus efficiently and effectively?

We not only focus, but we obsess—without much effort—in some situations, not others. So what makes the difference?

Let’s look at a couple of familiar examples.

Think of when you first fall in love—the prospect of a new relationship, the excitement, the thrill of being with the person that holds your affection. You’re consumed by the relationship. Even when you’re in a room full of people and noise, you don’t care. You have your eyes on one person only and the rest is just noise that fades in the background. You’re completely focused on that person.

Another example: ever had a crush on one of your schoolteachers, or really admired them? Did you enjoy his/her class? Chances are it became the most interesting subject and you wanted to do your best, without much effort.

The common thing among any experience with intense and natural focus is the strong positive emotional charge behind it.

This is not about the end result of such connections or relationships. I’m not saying it’s right to have a crush on your teacher. And you may fall in love with the wrong person for you. The aim is to just capture that raw unfiltered attention on what you wanted at the time.

If we can recreate that emotion, we can focus effortlessly.

When we’re in love, with someone (or a project), everything seems to fall into place. We feel good physically and emotionally which makes it much easier to focus mentally.

Emotional focus

We are emotional beings. We might be rational every now and then, but we’re more emotional than rational. We feel and then we justify.

So why not use positive, motivating emotions to drive our focus?

It’s easy to focus when you’re dealing with something you’re passionate about. It’s much harder to focus when you’re doing something you don’t like.

How can you create good feelings when you’re faced with the mundane, feared or disliked task?

To create a positive emotion, you need to face the tyranny of resistance. Your mind will engage every possible excuse and distraction.

The trick is to reframe your feelings and approach. Here’s how.

Reverse your emotions.

For every dread and fear, there is a release on the opposite side.

Instead of thinking I hate this task, think of what it would feel like when you’re done. What a relief!

Let’s take the silly example of washing the dishes. It can be a great experience in awaking and having fun.

You don’t want to do the dishes. You resist it, big time—the water is cold, my hands are dry, I have so many other things to do and so on.

Your resistance grows with every dish you add to the pile. You do whatever you can to avoid the sink area in your kitchen. And the longer the dishes sit, the harder it will be to remove all the dried up food. More pain!

Instead of dwelling in the same emotional pit of frustration, think of the other side.

What would it feel like if you went to the kitchen and the dishes were done and your kitchen was spotless?

Go into that feeling for a few moments.

Engage your imagination.

Let’s turn washing the dishes into a little fun encounter.

Stand in the kitchen and have a conversation with the dishes in the sink. You can talk out loud if you’re okay with that.

Tell the dishes how you feel. Express your hate for them getting dirty and you having to clean up. Let them know what a relief it would be to have them out of there.

Now let the dishes talk. What would they say? They’d probably say something like this.

Hey you. We didn’t ask to be used and sit in the sink for hours. You ate the food we served.

If you don’t wash us, you can’t use us again. And if you want to use those paper plates, by all means, just don’t blame us for the added cost and waste.

We’re sitting here in the cold and we stink! We suffer because of your inability to see your part in this.

And by the way, how long do you think it would take you to bathe all of us in warm soapy water? How would you feel when we’re all clean and shiny and tucked in our cupboard?

We would be happy for sure. We don’t like sitting here anymore than you do. Take care of us and you will have your sink back. It won’t take that long … really.

What would you say to the dishes after you listen to their plea?

Would you feel like doing the dishes now?

Positive emotion + imagination = effortless focus

When you turn the emotion around and use your imagination, do your best to engage all your senses to intensify the positive feelings.

Here are a few examples.

You don’t want to do your taxes. Think of the refund and the relief that you don’t have to do taxes for another year. What are you going to do with the extra money? Can you feel the check in your hand?

You don’t want to clear your desk. Imagine the space after you’re done and what it would feel like to have your desk back, to liberate it from the occupying mess. You are the superhero and the protector of your helpless desk.

You don’t want to work on a project because of a difficult manager. Think of how it would feel when you give him or her an amazing piece of work—a masterpiece. You are the Picasso of your workplace. Every task is a work of art, colorful and genuine. What can your boss say to your brilliance, other than job well done?

Effortless focus x repetition = fun + effective results

When you’re not focusing on what you want, look for the feelings underneath your resistance and reverse them. Turn dread to fun and fear into an adventure.

Use your imagination to make things interesting. It’s your best mental faculty; it hardly gets used in positive ways. All of resistance is imagined negativity.

When you focus emotionally, distractions fade and excuses become irrelevant.

The end result might not be what you expect. Sometimes it will be better and other times not so much. It won’t matter because the journey was fun; you gave it your best and got the best possible result.

Struggle can be good sometimes. We step out of our comfort zone and venture into uncharted dreams and aspirations.

A good dose of struggle strengthens our resolve and builds character.

This article is about the other kind of struggle. The one that robs this moment of its beauty and value—the inner struggle we have when we’re trying to do or justify not doing something.

This is the type of struggle you want to manage and reduce as much as possible.

Understanding struggle

What creates the bad type of struggle?

Why do we struggle with some things but not with others?  Why do we struggle with a certain type of activity while others seem to be doing it with ease?

To answer these questions, we need to look into how struggle begins and what causes it to stick—more than we like.

Struggle starts with a conflict.

Struggle starts with a conflict between two opposing thoughts that are tugging at your soul.  Your heart tells you to do something different and your mind tries to justify staying with the old pattern.

Let’s take the example of waking up earlier than your normal routine. You decide you really want to do it and set the alarm for an hour earlier. The alarm goes off, but you’re still in bed feeling tormented.

On one side you want to get up to start writing before you go to work. On the other, you feel cozy and safe in bed;  there is no urgent need for you to move.

If you want to get healthier and seem to struggle with your diet choices, you have two thoughts that are pulling you in opposite directions. Your heart wants you to have a salad. But your mind wants the instant gratification of those tasty French fries.

Paradoxically, struggle grows with choosing the easier (or more familiar) option.

It’s easier to stay in bed. It’s easier to have the fries. But that’s not all. The easy option usually has a price—more struggle in the form of self-defeating judgments and guilt. You feel you’re weak and can’t choose what’s right for you. And you feel worse.

The better choice is usually not the easiest. If you’re used to doing things a certain way, your mind will throw in every possible justification and roadblock to stay right where you are.

Struggle can become an addiction. The drama queen within is always up for more misery.

A continuous cycle of sabotaging our own desires for better choices will keep the relentless negative voice alive—well fed and always hungry for more.

This is the payoff for constant struggle. We get to dwell in pain that sucks  the life out of our hopes and desires. Struggle becomes the master.

The most important question you can ask yourself

This question will awaken you to the price you pay for struggle. You get to determine for yourself what is of value to you.

Would I rather struggle for hours and days or choose the better /harder option right now?

How to not struggle

If you answer the question honestly and follow up with the best action, your struggle is over.

The price of the familiar and easy is usually momentary pleasure and long lasting pain.

The price of challenging and hard is usually brief discomfort and long lasting peace.

Who wouldn’t want long lasting peace of mind?

For example: Would you rather sleep in and beat yourself up throughout the day, or get up and feel tired for a few minutes then feel good that you did it?

Obstacles to action

When you start and take action, your progress can be impeded by one of these conditions.

1. Unfamiliarity

When you start something new, your mind will kick into resistance mode.

The solution: Make a conscious effort to turn the unfamiliar to familiar.

Remind yourself of everything you learned in the past and how it became familiar. You moved through fear and ventured out slowly—one small step at a time.

2. Lack of clarity

If you don’t have a clear desire, you will struggle with overwhelm and confusion.

The solution: You need to do one of the following:

• Get clear on what you desire. Determine exactly what you want. Then give up the distractions and go for it. Or
• Allow yourself to meander and experiment with different options to gain clarity. It’s okay if you get lost for a while. And if you can’t find your way after, just start with one thing and give it your best.

In both cases you need to trust in your abilities to venture into the unknown. And to believe in your dreams.

3. Unrealistic expectations or attachment to a specific outcome

You start something with high hopes. But things turn out differently and you give up. You stop pursuing your dream—but don’t let it go. So the unfulfilled desire sits in the background of your mind compounding your struggle.

The solution: It’s hard not have any expectations. But the best fun is had when we just do something and not worry about what happens next.

You don’t worry about what others think or how you would feel if you fail. You do what you want—for yourself and for the experience.

4. Interruptions and giving up too soon

If you keep starting something and stopping, you will eventually give up. It’s really hard to get back into something after a few interruptions.

The most important things don’t scream out loud demanding your attention. They will linger in the background and keep nagging—unfulfilled.

The solution: Make a point of picking yourself up and starting again as soon as you can. Don’t let something that’s really important to you slip for more than a couple of days. Otherwise, it’s going to sit for a week, a month and before you know it, a year.

Keep at it no matter what. Don’t allow yourself to give up unless you’ve decided you no longer wish to pursue this experience. This means you gave it your best and don’t want to do it anymore.

5. Wrong focus and complications

When we focus on what we don’t want we end up with more struggle. The wrong focus complicates the process needlessly.

For example if you keep thinking I don’t want to gain weight, you will think and act based on the fear of gaining weight. You don’t have a goal to achieve but a fear to avoid.

The solution:  You need to focus on being and feeling healthy and doing what it takes to get there.

Focusing on what you want is simpler and more empowering. You can start with small steps towards eating and feeling healthy, without paying attention to your weight.

For more resources on dealing with struggle and taking action, check out these articles from the archives.

• Standing in your own way
• Steps to get out of your own way
• How to sustain change
• How to move forward when you don’t feel like it

And when all is said and done, let the journey itself be your guide.

A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us. ~John Steinbeck

One of the best feelings in the world is an inner calm—a stillness within that transcends time and the constant demands of daily living.

If you feel restless, unfocused, agitated, tired, uninterested, unmotivated, stuck, consider doing this one thing: move.

Physically move your body.

A moving body whose motion was not retarded by any resisting force would continue to move to all eternity. ~Hermann von Helmholtz

Any movement will do. All you have to do is to get up and start—moving only for a few minutes at a time.

Here are a few ideas.

• Go for a short walk and get lost in walking and your thoughts.
• Go up and down the stairs a few times and feel your breath as your heart starts to beat faster.
• Wash a few dishes and feel the water. Fold the laundry, vacuum one small room or half a large room. Basically do 5 minutes of house chores.

If you’re stuck in an office or indoors do one of the following:

• March in place and move your arms above your head then to your sides.
• Throw a few punches in the air with your feet shoulder width apart.
• Rotate your arms and shoulders.

If you have a stationary bike, a treadmill, a stepper just do 5 minutes in intervals—one minute slow and the next fast and repeat.

Here are more ideas that you can choose from. Copy the movement without the tools (weights, exercise ball, etc.). Do it standing, not sitting or lying down.

• Low impact cardio
• Lower body movements: 1 & 2
• Upper body exercises 1 & 2

Do anything physical. The purpose is to get your body moving.

My experiment with movement

I have been doing this for more than a few months now. I use a mini stepper that I bought at a discount. I do 6 minutes at a time using one minute intervals of slow then fast.

I stop every 50 minutes of work and do the 6 minutes to a total of 30 minutes per day (5 sessions of 6 minutes each). I have been more successful in sustaining this than any longer cardio workout I tried in the past.

The inner benefits of moving

There are many health benefits to physical activity—burning excess calories and fat, reducing risk of disease and improving strength and endurance.

You also gain tremendous mental and emotional benefits from moving—you feel more alert and more at peace. Consider these added benefits when you move.

1. Stimulate the brain.

When you get up and move, you give your mind a jolt. You break the cycle and give it something new. Your brain thrives on novelty.

This awakens and relaxes you at the same time.

2. Release stuck thoughts and emotions.

Physical movement forces your mind to break the cycle of thought, even if it’s momentary. This will strip negative thoughts from their hold on your mind.

Your mind will start paying attention to what you’re doing instead of dwelling in hypothetical negativity.

3. Refocus on this moment.

This is a result of shifting focus to the action at hand as mentioned above.

Depending on your level of fitness, moving might not be very comfortable in the beginning. No matter how unpleasant it feels, you will shift your focus from whatever was nagging at you into the activity you’re doing. Sometimes that’s all you need to step out of a negative thought pattern.

4. Inspire different ideas and action.

Clarity breads inspiration: as you feel better and clear the crud of stuck thoughts you may feel inspired to do different things. You may have the solution to a problem you’ve been pondering for a while.

5. Tune in internally.

Physical action leads to the mind chasing the body’s movement. This gets you to check in with your body and how it’s actually feeling, instead of the imagined struggle the mind creates when you’re sitting at your desk.

A few tips

To reap the benefits of moving, you need to make it part of your lifestyle and not just an occasional thing you do when you struggle. In order to do that, I highly encourage you to follow these simple suggestions.

1. Do it no matter what.

It may sound counter intuitive to get up and do something physical instead of getting things done. Make a decision to get up no matter what.

This will force your mind to take a break and step out of its repetitive process of stale self-defeating thoughts and worries.

2. Do it in short bursts.

Don’t get overly ambitious and move for a longer time. This will work once or twice but you won’t be able to sustain it. I’ve found it’s better to do 5 minutes every hour than to just do 15 or 20 minutes at lunch break. Five minutes is easier to sustain than 15.

3. Stick to your time.

Do 5 or 6 minutes at a time and no more. Work or sit for 50 minutes and break for 5, then get some water and repeat—50 minutes of work/sitting, 5 minutes for movement and 5 minutes preparing for the next 50 minute session.

I’m only recommending 50 minutes arbitrarily. You can choose a shorter or longer work session. I don’t recommend extending it to more than 60 minutes though. Your body needs to move.

Don’t extend your movement or work time as tempting as it may be. The more you stick to predefined intervals, the easier you turn them into a habit.

4. Keep it light

Don’t overdo it. The whole point is to do fun short movements that make you feel better but don’t take a lot of time.

If you do movements that target a certain muscle group (e.g. squats) vary the activity. Do something that targets the upper body (e.g. wall pushups).

Repeat the same movement a few times (10-20 times) and do another one. You don’t want to strain your muscles.

You can create a circuit of 5 movements and repeat each one as suggested above.

If you’re doing something that is not specific to one muscle group and you enjoy it (e.g. walking) keep doing it.

5. Respect your body.

Allow your body enough rest and hydrate. If you feel pain, deal with it as soon as you can. If you start sweating profusely or feel like you’re going to faint, stop. Don’t push it.

It goes without saying that if you have a medical condition or suffer from an injury, do what your doctor tells you. Move more when you feel you can do it. A little discomfort is bearable and you will move past it. But serious pain needs to be checked.

If you move for 5 minutes every hour for 8 hours a day, you will have spent a total of 40 minutes. Doing this for 300 days a year, will add up to 200 hours of movement—an amazing feat in maintaining your health and well being.

When you move, you feel better, you think better and you do better. Motion creates an outlet for stuck energy and infuses your entire being with calm and ease.

Inner stillness indeed can be found in outer motion.

Photo courtesy of Argenberg

A man convinced of his own merit will accept misfortune as an honor, for thus can he persuade others, as well as himself, that he is a worthy target for the arrows of fate.” ~ François de la Rochefoucauld

Sometimes things don’t work out as planned or intended. Events can turn very quickly and change the course of our lives. A rejection, an illness, a biased action can turn our world upside down.

A twist in fate can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. Actress Julia Roberts accepted the role in Pretty Woman (which launched her career) after it was declined by many better-known actresses at the time. This is not exclusive to movie stars. We all experience unforeseen twists and turns that make a huge difference in our lives.

The question is: How do you respond as events unfold?

A challenge that changed my life

Today I want to share with you an experience when I first started my career as a public (chartered) accountant that influenced my life to this day.

I joined an audit firm as a junior associate shortly after graduating. It so happened that another person was hired to start on the same day. She came highly recommended by one of the partners. Needless to say she was given more attention by the senior in charge.

I ended up bouncing around from one job to the next just doing what needed to be done. There were times when I would just go to a client for a day.

When you’re training and trying to learn, continuity is important. Otherwise you end up with a lot of small pieces that don’t make any sense.

This lasted for a few months. One day we started as a group of 5 on a new job. I barely got settled when one of us was required back at the office for another job. Without hesitation the senior sent me—again.

I felt angry and frustrated. I was never going to learn anything or be given a chance to prove myself. The senior promised that it’s just for a day and he’ll deal with it.

Come next day I saw him in the office; he didn’t bring up the issue at all. I confronted him; he pleaded ignorance. After a heated exchange (mostly from me towards him) I left for the new job. And I got a warning from the partner in charge that if I kept it up, I would be without a job very soon.

I was apprehensive about starting a new job. I felt I’m going to get moved around again. Except this time it didn’t happen. The job was a small investment company. I worked directly with a manager (a higher position than a senior). As I got a chance to work with him directly, without the distorted feedback from others, I was able to prove that I was capable. I didn’t even try. Everything just worked out well naturally and effortlessly.

That job is what made me fall in love with investing and analysis. It stopped others from moving me around and I started getting more work that I really enjoyed. I became an analyst many years later because of this experience.

The senior did me a huge favor by sending me back to the office. In retrospect I should’ve thanked him instead of yelling at him.

A twist in fate can be your friend or teacher

Fate might appear as an adversary wreaking havoc on your work, your health, wellbeing or relationships. At the depth of fate, however, is an opportunity for growth and awakening—for a change in direction and perspective.

Regardless of the nature of the situation, you can choose how to respond and what to do. Here are a few thoughts on the subject.

1. Resistance is futile

When fate hits, you really don’t have a choice other than to roll with it. You can fight it all you want. But things are going to happen with or without your consent.

I was meant to be bounced around and I was meant to go to that job. I could’ve fought, yelled and screamed all I wanted. It wouldn’t have made a difference. I could’ve rejected going to the other job and quit all together but that would’ve been to my own detriment.

Trusting that what’s happening is for a better experience or opportunity is more effective than rejecting the challenge or complaining.

“Fate leads the willing and drags along the unwilling.” ~Seneca

2. Don’t over think

Looking back at the experience I shared with you I did overanalyze the situation. I convicted myself that the senior in charge was biased against me. I kept thinking about what would happen next. I was worried that I wouldn’t learn and prove myself.

The thing is no one can take away your abilities. Had I been more aware, I would’ve known that sooner or later the opportunity would come for me to prove myself. And if it didn’t, then I wasn’t meant to be there in the first place.

Our mind is very skilled in coming up with worst case scenarios, but hardly brings up the best case scenarios. So it’s crucial that we deliberately break the cycle of worry and what can go wrong and balance it with what can go right.

3. Listen to your gut feeling, not ego

Your intuition or gut feeling knows what’s best for you. No one knows you better than you. The important thing is to be able to quiet the noise of the mind and the ego and listen to the deeper voice within.

How can you tell if it’s your ego or your intuition talking to you? There are some distinctions in your emotional response and your thoughts that set the two apart.

Anger vs. calm: If you feel angry with smoke coming out of your head, stop. This is the ego talking. Acting from this state will most likely result in things you will regret.

If you feel something in your heart and stomach area, listen carefully. This soft voice is your own intuition letting you know that you’re fine and things will turn out okay. This is the part of you that knows what’s best without pretense or fear.

Revenge vs. what’s right: The ego wants to get even. Intuition wants you to do what’s right for you without harming others. It’s not about what others did or said. It’s about how you can deal with the situation in a way that serves you better.

Worrying about proving a point or payback will suck more energy than it’s worth in short-lived validation. It’s much better to focus on what you can do to help yourself grow and move forward. This will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Fear vs. trust: The ego flares up when threatened. You immediately kick into defensive mode wanting to protect your image. The ego reacts impulsively without thinking much about the long-term consequences.

Intuition trusts and looks at the bigger picture. It reflects and determines what the best possible outcome is.

A mix of ego and intuition is the typical response. In most cases we get feedback from the ego and intuition at the same time. So our response is usually a blend of the two.

The more awakened we become, the more we trust our intuition and ignore the ego. As a start, make a conscious effort to calm your mind and reflect before you act.

As I look at the story I shared with you above, my ego was aggressively confronting the senior in charge. When I moved to the next job and I had time to calm down, I let go of my thoughts and moved with what felt right—and that’s when things started falling into place.

The biggest lesson I learned from twists of fate is that I need to trust a bit more in my gut feeling and that everything works out in the end.

It’s not about courage or recklessness, getting even or being appreciated. It’s about moving forward in the direction that feels right and not being resistant to change course as fate dictates. Sometimes things turn out better than we ever imagined.

“How a person masters his fate is more important than what his fate is.” ~ Karl Wilhelm von Humboldt

Photo courtesy of cazstar

Don’t take things personally. It’s not you; it’s me. Don’t read too much into it. It’s not about you, it’s about them.

I’ve heard (and said) those statements in situations that required an explanation of my actions or someone else’s actions.

How should we react to other people’s unexpected actions as they relate to us? Should we care or not care? Is it personal?

The ideal response would be that we shouldn’t care and we shouldn’t take things personally. But that would be a lie. Sometimes we can’t help but care and in most cases things are personal as they relate to us—not the other person.

And the more invested we are in a relationship, the more personal things get.

In day to day living the lines of importance get blurred. We magnify a negative situation that is really not that important. Or we dismiss the painful feelings that come up from an important relationship, only for them to haunt us and keep resurfacing.

What we need is to awaken the sensor within and deal with each experience in a way that’s best for us—realizing that it is personal.

If things are personal, how can we manage our reaction to the negative outcome?

I’d like to share with you a few examples of situations that happened to me. For each situation I will talk about my own interpretation and action.

As you can see these situations vary in importance. The response I added was what I ended up doing, not necessarily what my first impulse was.

Twitter un-follow

Someone un-followed you on twitter with another gazillion people because they decided to clean up their list. It’s their account; they can do what they want.

Interpretation: From the point of view of the person who was un-followed it is kinda personal. You were lumped with others so you never made a lasting impression on the person. Or most likely you never made an impression at all.

He or she probably never read anything you shared. You were considered part of the collective noise or distraction.

Action: If you’re still interested in the person’s message, then do nothing. Just continue following them. If you were following out of reciprocity it would be a good time to un-follow the person. I did both with different people.

With social media things happen so fast. Within a few days you won’t really remember most of it.

Being blocked on Facebook

A friend (someone I knew personally) not only un-friended me on Facebook but blocked me without giving any reason. All I knew was that the person disappeared, only to find out later that it wasn’t the case. I was being blocked.

Interpretation: It is Personal. It could be for a number of reasons. It could be that I said or did something that upset them. Or it could be that they upset themselves and blamed me. Or could be that they thought removing me would simplify their life. I couldn’t come up with one reason for blocking me though.

Action: My first reaction was utter dismay. I felt like someone had a restraining order against me and I wasn’t even in the same city. Then I felt angry and disrespected. I wasn’t even worth an explanation.

It was tempting to want to ask for an explanation, but I didn’t. There was no point. Whatever reason they would give was going to be a justification that wouldn’t change the outcome.

I wrote and reflected on the whole thing and took out all of my anger, frustration and bewilderment on paper. It’s the best release. Then I let it go.

The biggest lesson I learned was to trust that things do sort themselves out. They usually do without much effort on your part. This relationship was meant to end.

Someone on the highway honks at you and makes an obscene gesture

You were driving minding your own business and this person wanted to change lanes and you didn’t let them. They cut you off angrily and expressed their frustration.

Interpretation: The driver was mad, but would he/she be equally mad and do the same thing if you were driving a big vehicle with tinted windows? What if you were a police officer in a police cruiser? Would they do the same thing?

Most likely not. So it’s not personal in the sense that they don’t know you as an individual. But it’s personal in the sense that they feel they can get away with expressing their frustration the way they did.

Action: Laugh it off and remind yourself that such actions are truly a reflection of someone’s ego flaring up. There is no need for your own ego to get involved. The battle of the egos is a lose-lose game—no one wins.

Not getting a raise when it’s due

This happened when I was still working at a large audit firm. While driving (instead of an official meeting in the office), the partner told me that he was satisfied with my performance but there were a few issues I needed to work on.

I simply asked what they were. The answer I got was a clear indication that this wasn’t about improving. It was about finding a reason for not giving me a raise.

He blamed me for a client’s shortcomings. There was nothing I can do about that and there was no lesson for me.

Interpretation: I took it very personally. I felt that it was not fair and that there were politics behind the decision. It was like the partners didn’t care if I was happy or not. It was a financial decision that suited them.

Action: After giving the situation some thought I decided it was time for me to move on. A few days later I submitted my resignation. The same partner who told me that I needed to improve was ready to give me the raise and address any demands I had.

At that point I realized that there was nothing for me left there. I can’t work in an environment where you get to move up based on threats not merit.

This was more than 10 years ago and I never looked back.

Important reminders

The above examples are just a few of the many things we all experience on a daily basis. Relationships breakdown, we disappoint others, and others let us down.

It is personal and when we acknowledge that, we allow our true feelings to come to the surface so we can shed some light on them

I have listed some pointers that I hope you find useful.

1. Don’t react impulsively and on the spot. It will make the situation worse not better.

2. Sometimes you don’t need to do anything and other times you need to take a stand and demand what’s rightfully yours. Use these options in a way that serves you best.

3. Realize that you can’t change other people’s perception of you. Even when it’s personal, anything others say or do shouldn’t take away from your value or truth. The other person’s perception of you or your status, abilities, attitude, thoughts is their view not yours. Your value is not contingent upon anyone’s approval.

4. Think of how important the situation is to you before you act. While no one likes to be yelled at in the middle of rush hour, would it matter in 5 or 10 minutes?

5. Determine how much effort this situation is worth to you. How much of your time and attention do you want to spend on an issue? Some things are not worth more than a few minutes. Others may take days or weeks.

6. Realize that relationships are not meant to last forever. Negative situations are tests that will uncover the weak spots. These are your clues. Don’t overlook them; learn from them instead.

7. Don’t dismiss your feelings. We can ignore the unpleasant emotions but they tend to linger. Our minds have powerful memories and associations. So unless we deal with the personal stuff, we will experience emotional outbursts in the most inopportune times.

8. Always look for what’s in it for you. What’s the lesson you learned? What’s the gift you received? For example a friendship ending will create space for a new one to begin. A rowdy driver will give you an exercise in patience.

9. What are you willing to give up? If the situation requires you to take a stand or make an adjustment, think of what you’re willing to change or give up. Would you be okay with that in the long-run?

10. Consider the consequences. While we may not always be able to understand the reasons for an unfortunate outcome, we all know too well that actions have consequences. If someone wrongs you, the consequences are theirs to bear. You’re only responsible for your own actions and consequences.

We are emotional beings. We have the right to take things personally. And more importantly we have the power to choose how we react and channel our pain.

I’ll close with this personal mantra.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt