In my view, fitting in is a result of a person’s need to belong to something bigger than oneself.

Belonging is a need that grows.

The need for belonging starts with our family, our neighborhood, our city, state, country, creed and race.

As we grow our belonging grows with us to include education, colleagues at work, professional organizations, sports groups, social status, financial status…etc.

As belonging grows, the identification with it gets stronger.  We crave acceptance and the privilege of being part of a select group.

We carry our family name. We become our profession. We identify with the roles of every group we belong to.

The thing with belonging is: it’s never ending. There is always something else you want to belong to.  At the root of it is a need for validation. We feel more worthy when we become part of something.

Belonging is manmade.

At this time and age most of our belonging is manmade.  It is not about survival of the species and overcoming nature’s harsh environment.

We follow certain conventions and become part of something that another person, or group of people decided upon. After a while, we start following blindly without questioning the merit of such groups.

We belong to families, yet we refer to them as dysfunctional. We feel differently about how people behave when it comes to religion, nationalism or patriotism. Not all rich or poor people can fit into one definition of what makes them who they are.

The two extremes of belonging

Sooner than later the belonging ends up being a disappointment or a cause for prejudice against others. Both represent negative motivations. With these two extremes come the extremes of human emotions:  feeling isolated and lost or feeling angry and resentful. Again, not a good way to feel and live.

We feel isolated when we feel our own identity does not fit in with the collective. On the other hand, we feel fearful and angry when we think our own existence is threatened by someone who is different, someone who does not adhere to our way and what should be.

The dangers of extremes

In the first extreme of isolation we may go out of our way to express our loyalty or to compromise our values and principles seeking to connect with a certain group.  In the long run we feel more isolated and may resent ourselves for being different or for compromising our values.

The other extreme is no different. We go out of our way to defend our view and our group to the point of participating in armed conflict, all in the support of our cause.

Belonging is an illusion

If we pause for a minute to consider all the things we take pride in belonging to, we realize that they are as fleeting and fragile as our own physical existence.

Borders, social status, race, and everything in between are manmade illusions. The truth is we are all one and we are all unique at the same time.

Sharing a common connection with a group of people doesn’t mean we are all the same. It also doesn’t mean that we are better or worse than others.

We are not our family name, our religious affiliation, or anything else. We are more than that. We are part of life and all of its expression.

How to not belong

Do not label. Try as much as possible not to label people or yourself.  Start by focusing on your individuality and everyone else’s. Look for the beauty in every person you meet. See their uniqueness. Appreciate them for who they are.

Allow yourself to be who you truly are. Nothing is more inspiring than a person living their own truth.

Detach yourself from outcomes. Enjoy the experience without the expectation of a certain outcome. If you are watching a game of your favorite sports team for example, have fun watching the game regardless of who wins.  Appreciate the skills of all players and enjoy the enthusiasm of the crowd. Watch and let go.

Treat everyone with respect (including yourself). Respect should not be contingent upon allegiance or affiliation. See the universal connection with every living thing. Recognize that there are no others. It’s not US against THEM. There is no us and no others.

The outcome of not belonging

When we let go of the need to belong and stop seeking validation, life become more enjoyable. We are at peace with who we are. We accept and appreciate life in all of its forms. Who wouldn’t want more inner peace and contentment in their lives?

Photo courtesy of ph-stop

How many times a day do you hear about the need to take action? If you want to get anything done,  you have to take action. It is the key to improving any aspect of your life or making your dreams come true.

Motion is not necessarily action.

“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

People confuse movement with action. You can be busy moving around and doing stuff all day. When you think about what you accomplished, it is just busy work that does not move you forward in your life. Examples of this include: shuffling paper, being on the phone or online doing one thing after an other in hopes of getting something done but without a clear purpose. It ends up being a waste of time and energy.

So how do you make your actions count?

#1: Effective action
What is effective action? It is focused effort. You put your heart and soul into what you are doing as if your life depends on it. You give it the best you can. You eliminate distractions and perform the task from a place of power. You give every task you do the same attention and care.

Effective action is the most direct and straight way to achieve your desired results. It is simple, powerful and efficient.

#2: Inspired action
It is what you do with joy. It is action that feels more like fun than hard work. It comes from doing something that excites you and gets you going. Sometimes you don’t think it is work at all. It is action with a sense of purpose. It comes from your own truth, not ego. It’s not about winning or competing.

“Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it.” ~Jules Renard

Inspired action is the small steps that reflect your values and move you towards your heart’s desires.

Does action have to be both?
Not necessarily.

If you have to do something that you doesn’t inspire you, it can still be done in an effective manner. Do it with all of your power and give it the best you can regardless of how trivial or mundane it may seem.

Losing yourself in what you are doing can be the catalyst for inspiration.

Another interesting thing about effective action: as you continue doing things with focus and power, you start appreciating the smallest things. As time goes by, this appreciation turns the simplest acts into inspired action that gives you joy and fulfillment.

You may ask can my action be inspired but not effective? My answer is: I don’t think so.

If you are doing something from a place of joy and truth, you will get into it and, whether you intend it or not, you will be in that zone where focus and flow come naturally.

The best way to start is to do every little action in an effective manner and the rest will take care of itself.

“Great acts are made up of small deeds.” ~Lao Tzu

For further reading on action check out The Little Rules of Action.


Photo courtesy of Ed Yourdon

A lot of people feel trapped in a never ending barrage of things to do. Their to-do lists continue to expand regardless of how much gets accomplished. They are scrambling most of the time. A typical example is the working mom who has to get from her work to the kids’ soccer practice, then off to the ballet recital. Back home to cook dinner, ensure the kids do their homework, put the kids to bed and tidy up, then go to bed.

When you stop and think about it, do you really have to do any of that stuff?

One might say I have to provide for my family. I need food and a roof over my head. So I have to work to earn enough money, at least for the basics. After all I have to live.

Living is a choice
The honest truth is we don’t have to live. We don’t have to eat and we don’t have to provide for our families. We do it because we want to live and we want to care for our loved ones.

Do you want to or have to:

• Take care of your partner/spouse, parent, child …etc.?
• Be a hard working employee or a dedicated boss?
• Be a loyal friend?
• Support your colleagues and co-workers?

We choose to do most, if not all, of the things in our lives. As morbid as this may sound; living is a choice. There are people who choose to end their own lives. We all have the ability to end our lives but our desire for living is stronger.

We live because we desire to do so and we choose to have a good quality of life.

Choice is freedom
Take away the sense of obligation from everything you do and think about it as an option.

Living with choices is freedom. You can do what you would like to do and when you want to do it.  You can say yes or no to anything based on what you desire.

With choices comes clarity
The biggest changes with the most impact can come from a tiny shift in perspective. If you recognize all the things you do as choices you make, you start thinking and acting differently.

You can focus on what you want to do for yourself and your family. When you are clear about your desires, you can simply choose not to do the things that don’t matter to you.

It is amazing how much you can eliminate when you talk with others and find out that they are OK with foregoing some stuff and activities. They did it in the past because they thought it was expected of them.

As you become more clear about your own desires and choices,  you gain more experience in simplifying your life and doing what matters.

An appreciation for ability
The other side of choice is the ability to do something. If you want to do something and you can do it, then you are set.

Being thankful for your abilities will make doing anything worthwhile.

Aren’t you lucky to be able to:

• Take care of your partner/spouse, parent, child …etc.?
• Be a hard working employee or a dedicated boss?
• Be a loyal friend?
• Support your colleagues and co-workers?

Action rooted in gratitude can be a source of joy
The freedom of choice combined with an appreciation of our own abilities can turn everything we do into enjoyable and meaningful action. We then become one with life.

Photo courtesy of Hauggen

As adults we tend to lose the enjoyable side of obsession. We associate it with compulsive or unwanted thoughts and emotions. Yet we obsess more than we realize. Our beliefs, desires, fears and attitudes are shaped by habitual thinking and feeling.

We can use this obsessive trait to our advantage. One definition of obsession is: the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

Based on the above definition the outcome of obsession depends on the type of dominant thoughts, ideas and desires one has. If one obsesses over positive empowering ideas and desires, amazing things can happen.

The movers and shakers have always been obsessive nuts. ~Theodore Sturgeon

Here are a few examples of how obsession can be a good thing.

Finishing what you started
Have a project lingering that you can’t seem to finish? Make it your new obsession. Think about it; make plans and work on it as if your life depended on it. Make it the love of your life till it’s done. It is probably taking a lot of your mental space anyway. Think of how you will feel when you complete it.

Practice makes improvement
Put your energy and focus into practicing something you want to improve. Write more; play an instrument; learn to tap dance. Think about it a lot and make the new practice part of your daily habits. Look forward to the time you are going to do it.

Learning a new skill
We all have a lot of things we want to learn or do. But we get distracted and don’t seem to find the time. Pick something you really wanted to learn and make a conscious decision that this is going to be your new obsession. Imagine and continue to think about it. Get excited and build the anticipation of the fun you’re going to have.

Start your own small business
This would be a great way to harness your obsessive side to start the business you dreamed of. Play with ideas and concepts. Think about your business when you go to bed, looking forward to all the fun and scary stuff you’re going to do tomorrow.

Reformat your mental hard drive
We all have a stream of habitual thinking that shapes our view of life and how we experience it. Creating a new mantra that you love and repeating it over and over to establish a new belief is an effective way of using your obession to your advantage. Do it with focus and conviction and you will gradually change your thoughts.

Leading by example
When you are focused on what is enjoyable, your enthusiasm can be infectious. Without any deliberate effort on your part, you will spread your positive energy and encourage others to become as obsessive as you are. Who doesn’t want to have a positive impact on others?

Take your obsession and embrace it into every aspect of your life that is empowering and fun. Allow yourself to repeat what you enjoy. Now go listen to your favorite song.  Have fun and enjoy your brain power!

Photo courtesy of dawnzy58

Photo courtesy of soupboy

There are situations where we continue to resist making a decision. The protective part of the brain is trying to keep the status quo.

What we don’t realize is: safety has a price.

The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision. – Maimonides

The cost of indecision may not be easily quantified. But it is felt every time we are faced with the need to make a decision.  Here is a personal example of the cost of indecision.

My blogging story
I started a blog back in 2002 when blogs were still new. I did it for a few months then stopped. I didn’t want to think about my content or how to expand the blog.

Move forward a few months: I deleted the blog.

I repeated this process at least five more times until 2009.

One might think I didn’t want to start a blog.  If I did it once or twice and moved on, then that would have been fine. But this self torture of redoing and undoing was not a positive experience. The only thing I learned from it was: I REALLY wanted to start a blog but I played it safe.

Putting my money where my heart is
Last year I started this blog. I did it differently this time. I chose to pay for hosting and reserved a name.  I became more motivated to make it work because, unlike other times, I made an investment.

I wrote for four months with a few readers. Now what?
If I repeated my old pattern, I would just pack it in and call it a day. It is the safest thing to do.

Instead I joined a blogging boot-camp offered by two of the bloggers I admire the most. I put myself out there. I participated and made the best out of this intensive five day journey. I made new friends who share the same desire to have a successful blog.

Putting more money, time and effort into creating this blog reinforces my commitment and motivates me to keep going.

What did my indecision cost me?

• Time: I repeated the same process of starting-up, design and topic choice many times.
• Energy: Starting blogs and writing took thought and effort.
• Missed opportunity: I could have used this time to do something else. Better yet, I could have learned more about blogging.
• Mental and emotional stress: This is the most significant cost. The constant mental nagging created a state of dissatisfaction and perpetuated more negative thoughts and limiting beliefs.

The above cost is not measurable in financial terms but it is more expensive than trying, learning and failing.

When we make decisions (right or wrong), we learn and grow with every experience. When we freeze in our tracks we remain where we are, or worse, we are left behind.

Is it OK to want to be where you are?
If you are content with your current status then it’s perfectly fine. But if you have a desire to do something and don’t want to take any more risks, then you are stagnating and will continue to struggle with indecision.

In order to move forward, we need to accept where we are without beating ourselves up. What matters is:  we are here and willing to start now.

You might find the following questions helpful in trying to figure out what’s holding you back. Reflect on your answers. Allow your intuition to guide you.

Do you still want to do it and why?
If it is something that keeps nagging at you, then there is a desire in you to do it. The next step is to figure out why you want to do it. The reason behind it will uncover your true passion which can be a motivation by itself.

What is stopping you?
Examine the excuses you’ve been telling yourself: not good enough, don’t know much, have nothing of value to offer, don’t have enough money, too old, too young… you get the picture.

How are you going to deal with your excuses?
Most of the obstacles we create are a result of limiting beliefs and conditioning. The simplest way to overcome them is just to start moving. If it is money or physical abilities, explore what you can do about it. The resources will reveal themselves when you start looking.

What is the worst that can happen if you fail completely?
Imagine the worst case scenario. How much money would you lose? How bad are you going to look? Are you going to be humiliated…Can you live with that? Is the experience worth it?

Where can you start today?
Determine what you can do NOW and start moving. A small step is all you need.

As you continue to move forward, you will feel less of your inner resistance. Your experience will motivate you to overcome indecision.

The answer is: you create your own internal hell. Intentions you don’t act on will take mental space and will eat at you until you do something. As you intend to do more things, you add fuel to the inferno.

What may help in easing the suffering and managing this inner hell is to answer a couple of questions.

Do you REALLY desire something and intend to make it a reality in your life?

When you intend to do something, mean it. Don’t just add an item to your list without thinking about doing it.

An item on your to-do list occupies space in your mind. Do you REALLY want to add more to your mind?

If an item has been on your mind for a significant amount of time and you haven’t done anything about it, do you REALLY want to get it done? What happens if you take it off your list? Is it going to matter in your life today, a month or a year from now?

Do you have the mental CAPACITY to handle and add more intentions?

Think of your mind as prime real estate that charges very expensive rent.

If an intention is not acted upon, how long can you let it occupy a unit of your mental property before you evict it? How about giving it a notice and if it is not done by that time, it is gone.

Your mental space has limited capacity and should be occupied by your BIGGEST and most IMPORTANT desires and intentions.

If your mental property is well managed, you will have a better chance of acting on what is important and evicting what doesn’t pay off.

“Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold — but so does a hard-boiled egg.” ~ Author Unknown

A darkness descended on me. I was ready to bitch and blame anything and everyone. I started looking around the room for more things to get mad about. I felt things were out of control and the only option for me was anger.

The speed with which my mood changed was scary. Part of me was trying to figure out what was happening inside my head. But the ingrained reactive behavior was faster and smarter.

My resistance to the feelings added insult to injury. There was this inner voice that kept telling me to take it easy, it’s just an internet connection and my behavior and feelings were not acceptable for someone working on being in a state of inner peace and calm.

Luckily for me there was no one around. So there was no one to take it out on.  After a few minutes, I started to write. I took it out of my system. I complained and allowed all the negativity to come out on paper.

It took me a while to feel calm again. What I’ve learned from this experience can be summed up below.

• Allow: When you feel upset, allow the feeling to go through you. Fighting it makes it stronger.
• Judge not: Realize that we have lots of conditioning that is hard to change. You are doing the best you can at the moment. Do not judge yourself.
• No Whys: Do not try to figure out why you are feeling the negative emotion. It adds to your mental stress, which doesn’t help.
• Opportunity: Peace and calm are part of the journey not the destination. So with every situation, there is an opportunity for learning and growth. Embrace it.
• Meaning: Don’t take it out on someone else. Feeling crappy is a reaction to the meaning you attributed to an event. It has nothing to do with others.
• Get Physical: Take out your anger in a physical form if you can. Use a punching bag or go for a walk.
• Write: If you don’t feel like getting physical, start writing or typing. Don’t think about grammar or spelling. This is talking on paper. Keep writing until there is nothing you can think of.  Once done, delete the document or throw out the paper with the intention of letting go.
• Breathe!

Controlling thoughts and emotions is not an easy task. Recognizing our thoughts and managing our emotions are steps in the right direction.

“This only is denied even to God: the power to undo the past. ~Agathon”

Don’t you wish there was an UNDO button to the actions you have taken just like the option in your word processor or photo editor?

You would think by now we would know that it is impossible to undo what’s done. Yet we spend so much time trying to work with the decisions we have made and actions we took knowing fair well that it’s not what we want to do at the moment.

How many times did you wear something you hated just because you bought it and feel you HAVE to use it?

How many times have you tried to use a tool that wasn’t suitable but you keep trying anyway?

A couple of years ago we sold our business assets and were left with some stuff. There was a lot of paper, labels and an expensive laser color printer. I kept trying to use the paper in all sorts of ways: making my own notepads, printing notices for our strata council and using it to scribble notes and ideas. The thing is I am not a paper person. I like to write mostly on my computer. So I was derailing myself by creating uses for something that I don’t want to use.

Think of how much time and energy we spend trying to justify or fix something we did?

What is done is done. We  simply can’t UNDO anything. But we can take whatever consequence, deal with it and then move on.

As an example I have decided to put all the fancy paper in one package and list it on craigslist. I won’t get more than fraction of its cost and that’s the consequence of buying too much paper in the first place. I will also sell the printer at a steep discount.

Accept that you made a mistake. Consider the positives instead of the negatives of the situation. Making mistakes is part of life. It means you are not playing it safe. Admitting this fact and choosing to move forward is an act of courage.

Explore the reasons behind your actions and decisions. How much of the action you find yourself taking is an attempt to UNDO the results of  previous actions that were taken out of fear, reaction, revenge, or ego rather than a genuine desire to do something?

If you ignore the reason behind your actions (usually negative mental and emotional habits), you are bound to repeat the pattern.

Do what needs to be done to eliminate the constant nagging. If it’s something you bought, sell it at a discount or give it away. If it is something you did or said to yourself or someone, apologize sincerely and ask for forgiveness.

Let go. There is nothing more you can do. Regretting what’s done won’t change it one bit. Trying to fix things can make them worse.

To be free of past decisions and actions is liberating. You will have the mental and emotional space to choose for yourself meaningful action that reflects your inner values and desires instead of guilt or regret.

When preparing this post I found so many quotes about smiling. Most of what I wanted to say has been said before and in a more eloquent fashion than I am capable of. With the help of these quotes, below are some of the many benefits of smiling.

“A smile confuses an approaching frown. *”

Smiling can defuse negative feelings very quickly. The moment someone smiles, the negative emotion is transformed.

If you feel grumpy try smiling. Your mood will pick up. Look in the mirror and smile. Your reflection smiling back at you may  be all you need to feel better.

“Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.  ~Charles Reade”

There is something dignifying about a genuine smile, especially in the midst of adversity.  It is a sign of inner strength and beauty.

“The world always looks brighter from behind a smile. *”

Imagine a world where everyone smiles most of the time. Your whole outlook can change after a smile. A smiling world may be able to heal better than a scared, angry one.

“A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you’re at home. *”

A smile is a sign of peace within. What is more valuable than being at peace right now?

“Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it. *”

Smiling at the world is one way to explore the inner workings of the law of attraction or the timeless adage: you reap what you sow. Plant a smile and change your world.

“Everyone smiles in the same language. *”

A smile can be the most effective and simplest way of communication. It can express goodwill and well wishes without the need for words, sounds or interpretation. It is a universal language that connects and unifies.

“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.  ~Mother Teresa”

A smile can be the only gift someone receives. This act of kindness acknowledges, accepts and validates a person and that can be empowering and uplifting.

“A smile can brighten the darkest day.*”

It can brighten your day and everyone else’s around you. This is a sure way to raise your vibrational frequency and elevate our collective spiritual and emotional wellbeing.

“People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile. ~Lee Mildon”

What is more fashionable than wearing a smile? It can be the ultimate statement of calm, confidence and peace.

“A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. *”

True power comes with a gentle touch or gesture.  Smiling has the power to transform, reconnect and overcome challenges with no effort or force.

“All the statistics in the world can’t measure the warmth of a smile.  ~Chris Hart”

A smile is a message from the heart. It is a gift that keeps giving back. It transcends age, race, education, wealth or circumstances.  It is an expression of acceptance and appreciation for life in all its forms.

Smile and let the world smile with you!

“Smile – it increases your face value. *”

* Author unknown

There is no doubt that there are harmful aspects to watching TV. But like so many things in life, it is not the tool but HOW we use it that makes the difference.

TV viewing can be a negative experience if we watch countless hours of TV without regard to what we’re watching and how it’s affecting us. Spending more time watching TV than focusing on what’s important is an escape from our own truth.

What makes TV more damaging is the fact that it is easily available. Just flick the switch and watch to your heart’s content. But consider the other side: if you don’t watch TV, the TV is not going to scream at you to turn it on. What you do is up to you.

I’m not going to focus on the negatives of watching TV. There has been a lot of talk about it. Instead, I would like you to consider the positives of watching TV.

Is there such a thing as inspiring TV?

Inspiration is in the eye of the beholder. I can’t say that everything on TV is brilliant. I don’t watch it all. I watch a mix of science fiction, comedy and shows with a story to tell. To me they are entertaining and, on occasion, inspiring.

Here are some of the positive aspects of watching TV:

Content that opens your mind
When physics and spirituality meet, there is room for exploring new ideas. This is my experience with watching Fringe. It makes me think beyond my limited view of our world and the universe, and leads me to examine my thoughts and belief systems about what’s possible.

Thought provoking stories that can spark positive discussion
We meet our friends regularly for coffee and we have very good discussions about some of the ideas and plots on certain shows. At times there is confusion and the lines are blurred between what’s possible and what’s not, what’s right and what’s wrong. This enriches the conversation and reveals our underlying beliefs and values. Shows like Mad Men, Damages, Weeds and Big Love are examples.

Connecting and sharing experiences
There were times when we would gather with our friends to watch a show and interact directly as the story unfolded. Sporting events and award shows can also be a good example of people watching together and sharing the joys or pains of an event. The more in common people feel they have, the better they connect.

Motivation to be the best you
Numerous successful people have mentioned in their acceptance speeches how they were inspired by others before them as they watched their favorite role model on TV. The same applies to us being motivated by an artist or athlete making it to the top of their game. Nothing is more exciting that watching someone succeed.

Passing time when faced with life’s challenges
It is common for people who are faced with adversity such as serious illness to take on watching a series from start to finish. When rest is required and mobility is not an option, TV can be a good companion when waiting is the only option.

Bottom line: watching TV is like life. It is what you make it out to be. Being aware of WHAT and WHY you watch something are key to having a Zen-like TV experience.

Happy watching!